TIME OUT WITH ELSIE

Monday, 11 July 2016

TEST-SHIP or FRIENDSHIP???????

I am always very excited on Wednesdays, maybe because it's midweek and things are calmer in my office or because my friends and I sometimes sing at a karaoke bar to ease of tension. I am not a Friday person majorly because most people squander their hard earned money on frivolities and the traffic that accompanies the night is laced with fatigue that can leave one subservient to pain killers all week long.... you can't find me hanging out on Fridays.... NEVER!!!!! Just as I finished ranting about how much I hate going out on Fridays, an email from my 'friend' Tunde popped up and it stated, he wanted me to be his plus one to his friend's birthday dinner... I just sank into my seat, the sad part is, I can't even say NO, this is one friend that I have handed the keys to my heart on a platter even though we aren't official and please don't judge me at least not yet.

It's past two in the afternoon and it just dawned on me that I haven't had anything to eat or drink neither have I checked my phone all day long... this corporate slavery thing is killing o, this my employers though they pay well never give you enough time to enjoy your wealth... I picked up my phone and behold my Actor friend Tracy, whose other part time job is being a fashion junkie had called me 96 times. So I called her back.

I thought you had been kidnapped? I laughed hard and said because you are not on set today, the rest of us should quit our jobs? Well that sounds like a great idea, anyways we all need to hook up, I have informed Hadiza, we'll meet at my place. We are spending next weekend together but before then I have tickets to a show and you both must look smashing as my stylist will cook you both something to grace the red carpet on... (I quickly cut in) Miss planner biko some of us have plans, I have a wedding to attend next weekend. I am coming with you, yipeeeeeeeeeee, Tracy is an excited child, and I sure would need her to laugh me up. Who is getting married she asked? Tunde's sister. Oh your church boyfriend!!!! He hasn't made us official o, I replied. Haaaaaa it's been almost two years Bolàaààaàa!!!!!! Haba now Tracy its just a year and some months old since we got close. Girlfriend you are not a specimen, get yourself out of such nonsense TEST-SHIP. I gotta run,(pause) you are so not going to his sister wedding, I'll Plan something more fun. Love you..

I sat down pondering on Tracy's words, then reality hit me, this Tunde guy definitely doesn't like me that much to wife me or he is into some one else and using me as a second option while giving me the impression, he'll come for me someday without expressly saying it and silly me too, I have been forming listening ear, cooking, visiting but wait ooooo this guy is not anything close to being a Yoruba demon as he encourages me spiritually but... maybe he likes me as his sister but he buys me gifts and takes me out..... ehen even on several occasions he asked me if I can marry someone like him abi was he just asking.... I am confused or am I just the one seeing his kind gestures as an invitation to commitment?????

Tracy got another improtu job, we had to re-fix our sleepover, I met an old friend whose bestie was into me, I was too glad to finally discard Tunde, so I tried to reduce the rate at which I reply his messages and all, so this new catch, is such a devotee and wants marriage But his dress sense is extremely poor, I'll tush him up jare, I consoled myself.. we were hanging out at his place and alas the brother tried to kiss me... goodness lord! How can you profess to hold positions of authority in the church and you want to kiss me, brother chill o I am not even courting you yet. NONSENSE!!!! I picked my bag, blocked his call and that was the end. If I need a kiss, I'll rather meet some hawtly dressed strikingly handsome fella who is a professional at it. Mschew...

In my anger, I called my Hadiza to tell her what just happened and she laughed hard stating I was lucky, her own Muslim friend attempted to rape her in her own sitting room when he came visiting, thank God her over bearing neighbour came to borrow some seasonings as usual. I couldn't believe my ears, what this generation degrading into is appalling. How can you hide under the name of God and cheat fellow humans?

I drove to church for an evening programme and my church bestie left her purse with me to go take a leak and alas her phone rang and Tunde was the caller, I quickly checked her chat with him and realised the same way he checks up on me and throws indirect marriage talks in our chat is the same way he chats with Chioma at first I was mad but then again he's not mine, I might have interpreted to much meaning to his indirect talks and kindness but that's not a reason to pick a fight, I'll just respect myself and keep my distance. No more doing his cooking, laundry, etc. I ain't his momma.

Chioma landed back on her seat and I told her Tunde called she just sighed and said that unserious one, How do you mean I asked? He has been close to almost every girl in this church and yet not dated anyone, talk more of marry, I don't have time to waste biko, he's probably looking for a perfect woman, who has wealth and can meet up to his criterion's. The only good thing is he doesn't bed them even at that I strongly am against misleading friendship. Why dash someone's hope? It's probably just friendship I said, no she argued that's not friendship, making me get vibes that you will be mine, that's not friendship, he is a born again player na, I had to repeat that born again player chai Chiommmma mo, well... a friend of mine calls that sort of thing TEST-SHIP... exactly testship, he's a testship master, I don't blame him, it's the silly girls that give him face I blame. I couldn't smile to that so I just said God save us from all this players in Christian and Muslim forms...

Instagram handle... @Temielsie.

TEST-SHIP or FRIENDSHIP???????

In my anger, I called my Hadiza to tell her what just happened and she laughed hard stating I was lucky, her own Muslim friend attempted to rape her in her own sitting room when he came visiting, thank God her over bearing neighbour came to borrow some seasonings as usual. I couldn't believe my ears, what this generation is degrading into is appalling. How can you hide under the name of God and cheat fellow humans?

Saturday, 4 June 2016

She was murdered 2

Mr Lawson fixed his gaze at me for some seconds, then he asked me to join him for lunch, which I did, I was extremely scared, he kept looking straight into my eyes, I sent a message to my boss explaining my dilemma to him, while acting calm and he actually gave me some money for my stress at least that's what he called it. I left the house eventually, ran to the nearest hospital to check if I had not just been poisoned and then handed the watch over to my boss who sent it to the lab for further scrutiny.

We began investigating Mr Lawson and realised that two days after the murder of his wife, some huge transfers had been made from their joint account to an unofficial account that was linked to him, we also discovered he had a Canadian mistress and we concluded he killed her to start a new life with his mistress... we still needed more evidence and since I already established a relationship, I became a regular caller at the house and then I found some tablets in his closet after it was taken to the lab,we were told it was the same pills that killed Mrs Lawson. My boss wanted to conceal this information and find a way to help Mr Lawson because he's our client but somehow the police got wind of it and he was taken into custody before we could blink. I think someone had bugged our office.

I visited lil Miss Lawson the poor devastated child, life has forced her to become an adult, she looked like a shadow of herself, I had been away on another assignment, she was watching 'how to get away with murder' on her laptop. Then her other phone rang in the bedroom so she left, my inquisitive nature would not just let me enjoy the series in peace, so I check other series she had and realised that not until last year did she start acquiring crime series, she used to be a fan of romantic comedies, series like 'how I met your mother's, 'friends' 'cougar town', were her favourite. I realised she even began taking notes on this crime series as her sticky notes gave her away, my head began thinking fast.... her father had been sentenced to life imprisonment already or did she kill her mum? Why would?????. She made her way downstairs and I smiled like I saw nothing, then she said it was my boyfriend that called that's why it took a while hope you were not bored? I smiled and turned on my 'gossip mood' gist me about him, I then realised he was a doctor graduated from an ivy league university, she gave me all the information I needed to check him up, I ended up spending the night in her house, we had fun and yes we went on a shopping spree, *rolls eyes* my job is not so bad after all.

Miss Lawson's boyfriend Austin graduated top of his class, it was no stress trailing him, a golden fish truly has no hiding place, another colleague of mine started flirting with him and yes we found something, (criminal lawyers r bad ass) we found Miss Lawson DNA result and to our greatest surprise it revealed that Mr and Mrs Lawson were not her biological parents...Austin did call off the fling he had with my colleague but not before she got all the information she wanted, we hacked into his unofficial email where miss Lawson explained how she overhead her mum tell her dad of the guilty feeling that constantly plagued her mind every time she sets her eyes on her and this made her medical doctor boyfriend run a paternity and maternity test, she traced an old driver of theirs who told her that her biological parents were murdered by Mr and Mrs Lawson.

Austin brought up the idea of killing them outrightly but Miss Lawson decided to kill one and frame the other for it, she skilfully penned down her steps, got Austin to carry out the plan while she bought slim tea to make her shrink and use anti biotics to make her pale. I revealed this to my boss and in his word, "he said well, she's our client, our duty is to protect her and destroy every evidence besides Mr and Mrs Lawson got what they deserved, she was called in, every of those notes and mails were destroyed and yes she wrote us huge cheque.....I sometimes pray that rapture shouldn't take place while am on my job because the things we do sometimes beats the devil imagination... I really need to quit this line before it's too late, heaven is all that matters not all this cheques and winnings in court via various crude means....

Wednesday, 4 May 2016

She was Murdered!!!!!!

I barely shut my lids for ninety five minutes before my phone began yelling, infact it sounded like it was connected to a loud speaker, I needed to rest, the bags under my eye balls were beaming with glow balls already, I sincerely did not set out to sign my whole life into crimes, I think its high time I got this MBA and make the switch.... My boss was on the line and as usual another crime scene was awaiting our inspection. I remember last summer when mumsy came visiting and she stumbled on the pictures of dead clients she couldn't believe her eyes, she had her pastor call me severally and she began scrutinising every of my movements, don't mind my mother she's just a Nigerian, those of us who are blessed to come from that part of the world have a free gift 'tagged' overreacting embedded in our veins....

I am a criminal uhhhh ok let me rephrase, I am a criminal lawyer, I work for the best law firm in this part of the world, I have handled more dead bodies than most medical students and doctors, criminals like Raymond Reddington of the black list, fascinate me, women like Olivia Pope and Annalise Keithing keep me up at night searching for how to apprehend a criminal or how to save them, my job description also includes flirting with important personnel at the district attorney's office to get information and favours. I sometimes change my identity just to unravel a mystery and yeaaasss I have learnt to be an actor in the process, me sef fit fake Spanish accent all I need to do is take a stroll to youtube and yeaaaas I would be sounding like a Spanish princess.

I arrived at the crime scene, I was the last team member to land and the house is massively beautiful, I already began thinking one of their business partners must be responsible for this, I had the privilege of meeting the woman murdered once, she was so sweet, it was definitely during my college days, what a waste? Her husband looked like his world had just crumbled and their daughter was terribly yelling, she definitely needed to be sedated. I actually am not an emotional person but her tears moved me a bit.

Hmmmm, the police had arrived and were inspecting all necessary things, her body found in the guest room, she was supposed to be in Manchester and yes she was cause her business partners confirmed she did land, now the question how her body got to the guestroom and no one saw her walk in or was she dragged in there? The walls had no blood stain, she was shot on her left leg, there were no struggle signs. This is definitely a premeditated murder and whoever did this is a pro.... We just might never get to the root of this, as if my boss was eavesdropping on my thought, he yelled we must get to the bottom of this as I have been paid heavily to keep your ass working till the killer is handed over to the police... UNDERSTOOD!!!!!

The team began interrogating all house keepers that have ever worked for the Lawsons, it was a dead end even the police had nothing, the autopsy result brought a new spin to the case, she died of poison and only her finger prints were found on the gun, hmmmmm why would she want to kill herself, with all the Money and goodwill going for her or was she in debt? We began investigating her financial records and we found nothing or maybe she was involved in a shady deal hmmmm we just kept guessing....

I decided to visit Miss Lawson and see how she was fairing, she was in a more terrible state, her dad said she had refused to eat, see anyone talk more of allowing the doctor have a chat with her, I spoke to her and all she said was that I should bring her phone to her and she wanted to sleep in her parents room alone, I signalled to her dad to call the doctor, we went upstairs chaiiiii their master bedroom is heavenly, no offence but it's bigger than some communities *rolls eyes* for a moment I forgot a young girl was grieving hmmm her shoe closet left me speechless....God make me wealthy.... Its funny how someone had all this and still decided to tow the suicide line.... But we've dug no dirt yet till then I"ll stick to the she was murdered story....

I looked at the left hand side of the bed I saw Mr Lawson's million dollar wristwatch, hmmm vanity would not Let me focus. I have only seen that watch on television, mehn all my heart kept saying was you better touch it, its a rare opportunity many wont have in their life time. I picked it up and to my greatest surprise I saw blood stains on the watch, I looked around by then the young lady had slept off..... I quickly threw the watch into my bra and started snooping for more when Mr Lawson walked in.....
(Stay tuned for the concluding part... Thanks for reading).

Thursday, 31 March 2016

You call the shot 2

I landed in gidi, headed straight for home to my greatest amazement Yaya had travelled to Abuja for her friend's mum birthday or at least so she told our parents. I kept buzzing her lines all through the day no reply, I was this close to telling mum about my discovery in fact I wanted to tell the whole family, I just managed to keep my calm, she finally called and before the young lady said hello I YELLED at her, WHERE ARE YOU? WE BOTH KNOW YOU LIED TO MUM ABOUT YOUR LOCATION. She giggled and said sis I am sorry I had to, I am actually in London. I really did not know how to react at this point but I quickly grabbed a chair and my voice began to fail me. I would explain in details when I get back next week please keep this a secret, I would call you up later byeee love you and she hung up. I stared at the phone for a long while it took another call to bring me back to planet earth, those wild friends of her have thought her how to play dirty and sound innoncent.... I hugged my pillow, prayed to God and shut my lids.

Its been two weeks since I aced my last target and I have basically been lounging, my boss called me and as usual I could smell a new and higher target, I just hope this people would not ask me to cut my breast to keep their bank running some day mschew I even thought they would let me chill for a month before handing me my anxiety moments back, to my amazement it was a letter stating I had been promoted wow!!! God"s amazing grace....

Yaya landed and I dished her series of insults the truth is I did not give her the space to talk in fact I slapped her called her a dog and walked her out of my room, all she did was cry after 60 hours she dropped her phone on my bed and asked me to read, I read through and though I was glancing at her disdainfully, I checked the date to be sure this was not some cooked up plan, my sister then expressed how disappointed she was that I did not even give her the benefit of the doubt, she simply left... She wasn't a dog, she started delivering food to his branch in Abuja, they met and he wanted to date, she told him she wasn't interested and continued with her job and then on this fateful day she was given the opportunity to serve their foreign partners a kind of dish their in house caterers were not familiar with, they were impressed and he set her up and gave her more contracts infact she heads the kitchen when such special delicacies are to be made and she and her team went to London because they were catering for a client's wedding. I know it might sound unbelievable given his record with women but I call the shot not his money or looks, I say it is a business affair and so it is, why would I want to sell my body for temporary gain, I used my brain to make money from his company just the way other girls relegate themselves to using their body to get cash from him and its exactly the same way you have been a marketer all this years without unzipping your integrity, there are so many marketers that use their bodies to meet their target or other fraudulent means and blame the society or their defaulted childhood for their actions, those things don't dictate my actions, I have the right to better my lot and I have chosen to do it the legal and righteous way.

You are right I said to my little princess, everyone should call the shot in their lives, money and other things should not dictate how we live our lives, integrity is not a matter of expediency.... It should be our watch word. We decided to let the cat of the bag and inform our parents about her outlet in Abuja, they were glad and a little upset with her for keeping them in the dark all this while, they gave her their blessings and she had no reason to lie to us about her location ever again.
I had a wonderful sleep that night as it was such a big relief to know she still had her values intact.....

Monday, 29 February 2016

'You call the Shot'

My life as a Marketer has been such a sweet tale, I enjoy cajoling people to switch to my brand for a living, it's actually swwweeeeeet, the human mind is quite flexible, it only needs the right twist to bring it on board, though sometimes it can be annoying especially when crazy targets are set but hey I just up my confidence, sexy and fierce level and it works, I really feel like I am some super human everytime this happens. Na lie na baba God dey back me up.

My target this quarter is extremely wicked, why would anyone do this to me. the month of love is almost closing up and here I am searching for some crazy billions, for the very first time since I started this 'flirting technique' I call a job, I sincerely wished I was a practicing microbiologist after all my certificate has earned me the rights to be labeled one. I had to think of a plan to meet up, I really am not good at stuttering and I cannot afford to get back into the labour market, hmm how in the world would I be able to afford my 'channel' and 'Prada' not to mention 'my weaves' never!!!!! there must be a company out there who has the kind of money I need to keep me relevant in my field.

I googled a few companies with high profiles and I began my tour, pitching my lines and acing them as usual, the only problem was that, these companies were not half as buoyant as the world views them, some creative accounting practice have been adopted. I wonder why shareholders of these company cannot enforce the use of forensic accounting techniques, before they know it their investment would have developed skate boards and rolled away anyhu na dem sabi.

I knew I had to be home early and yes I stay with my parents, you see African parents do not allow unmarried female children to stay outside their homes especially when in the same state, welcome to Africa where every unmarried independent woman is viewed as a runs girl, may people who fall in this category receive brain!!!! *flips hair*. Ehen jare, my sister had been back from camp for over a week and we have barely said 10 words, I decided to make it up to her, in fact my mum and married elder sister sent me a text to that effect. Dem no know say I bin dey find billions abi make me sef go Abuja, news carry am say person bin dey share billions one time na.

Yaya and I had so much fun that night, she really did rock service year, I noticed she was more mature, she had the latest apple gadgets and that got me worried.... I could hardly sleep, I remember she mentioned she travelled to Abuja to chill with her friends during her service year infact she was virtually always there as she did this ghost corper thingy in the state she was deployed too (abeg no report us ooo) though our parents were not aware. So many questions kept popping up, how did she get the money to.... buy all this gadgets...... Hmmm all this rich old men chai, Yaya has joined those high brow sex workers I just kept rolling on my bed and blaming myself for being so much into my job and neglected her, now I have to deal with swallowing this bitter pill, I decided to get my clothes ready, I would be heading to Ibadan ( in between my Dad and I had a big fight because he already called Seun my cousin that I would be at his place for a bit, who sent him? Am I not old enough to choose where I put up?????? HA) to see a potential big fish that could help me enjoy 'the overrated valentine's day' in one piece I just pray he saves my already burning ass by banking with me. I stumbled on my sister's purse, I opened it and alas I saw her own business card, I couldnt believe my eyes ha this young woman has finished me, where did she get the funds to start her own catering outlet, curiousity led me to google it up and too my greatest surprise, pictures of the place depict class. Well, she has something to show for selling herself not like that makes it legal.

You look so much like a very sweet friend of mine, 'my big fish said' he owns one of the biggest hotels in Nigeria, Really I smiled, then he scrolled through this phone and showed me a picture..... ALAS!!!!! It was Yaya, I was shocked, furious but had to keep calm, so you are one of the men she has been servicing, I said to myself, then I managed to smile and said she's my sister, he got so excited and YES!!!!! I exceeded my target for the quarter in the month of love, thanks to my lil sister's connection... I began to make my findings about this man and realised he really is into women in fact they are so many he doesn't remember most, so I figured my sister must be exceptional in her bedmatic techniques for her face to be in his head.... I am going to kill her once I land...... (Part 2 be out soon, stay glued to the blog... I am sorry for posting late. I love you all).

Thursday, 4 February 2016

This thing called 'Depression' II

(Continued from last post)

I was forced to sit, the blow of the news that just flowed through my tympanic membrane had weakened my knees. Joan fixed her gaze at me as tears rolled down my eyes uncontrollably. She just stood still, What did your mum have to say? She laughed really hard, she was always on one trip or the other keeping public appearances, especially when he was governor, besides I am not their biological daughter, I was adopted so they screwed me daily. Joan (I said calmly) you need to speak to someone, you need to heal. I am healed already dear at least I am not in some lunatic centre strapped up on any bed. I.... (She cut in) well my psyche might be messed up but I am doing awesomestastically above normal besides we all have what we deal with. Joan but you know you can't keep shopping to make you happy. I can doc!!! (She wiped my tears) Designers go the extra mile to make beautiful designs that satisfies the soul, (she smiled) you need Jesus, I said (she gave me daggers) I don't do religion, my dad is Christian and my uncle is Muslim, yet they both defiled me at a young age, that is not in tandem with any of the holy books!!! Their actions does not kosher with the teachings of their faith, besides Christianity is not a religion, it's a way of life... I try to read the bible... Maybe... That's why I still have a bit of sanity.... (She snaps into another mood) lets go get dressed our movie is starting soon... I already got the tickets. (In my mind) This girl needs help real soon.

The day was an eventful one, I kept thinking of how many shopaholics I knew and kept pondering on the real reason they loved to throw money around, I remembered Demilade and how he loved to get more degrees and make more money, could there be a reason for this? I cast my mind back to when I was in medical school, I had this friend Rume, who was a lesbian, I remember her saying, her partner was the only one who showed her loved and I castigated her for it, not b-o-t-h-e-r-i-n-g to find out the root cause of her actions, maybe no one showed her love and the media depicts love as kissing and sex, so she transferred it to her friend.(judgemental me).

I rolled again, picked up my phone and called the only man who sends shrills down my spine, or should I say used to. Good to hear from you he said, we exchanged pleasantries and in no time we were gisting as of old again, I slid in the question in the sweetest way ever and he replied baby I just love to update myself besides to please my dad, he always wanted to have a PhD but he fell in love with my step mum and stopped at first degree only, alas! The woman found another man and dumped the poor man, thank God he met my mum but I still see unfulfilment in his eyes. I smiled gracefully! I got my answer already. Demi was trying to lift his father from his sorrow and also ensuring history doesn't repeat itself.

I resumed back to work a better person, I loved people more and instead of judging them for their actions, I took time to delve into the reason for their misstep. My medical director is one rich workaholic and she hates to spend money goodness!!! Her stinginess is epic, we all wondered why she is so tight-fisted. I got close to her and in one of our conversation, she said her mother died without leaving her children anything concrete and her father did not make light of the issue, she vowed from childhood never to be a spent thrift like her mother...

Depression is experienced by most people, we just have different ways of handling it, some bring out the best of any situation they are in while most of us decide to dwell on the negatives.. I choose to be joyful at all times. I hangout more often, eat right, my man would definitely locate me, the God that created me knew I would be interested in marriage and not being a nun.

My parents called me to come over one evening, I knew my not telling them my single status would come to light one day. I had less make up on to look sober, to my greatest surprise I met Demi and family there and he apologised, the truth is I was not angry with him but I never thought he would realise he was wrong, his extreme measures on acquiring certificates does not guarantee a better future (chai the power of prayer), we fixed a wedding date immediately and my "Apple crusted chocolate Cherry" slid a beautiful piece down my longest left finger. My heart leaped for Joy!!!!! He truly is my last Bus stop he just wanted to pass another route......❤️