Wonders 2

 Kayanmata keh!!! No, I'm definitely dreaming. How can Bola….but  we used to call out those who patronise these people. How can she drive down this shady route and conceal this information from me??? I patiently typed kayanmata on her search button and alas I realised Bola was indeed skilled at sourcing for these people. She had bought several of their products and they regularly kept her posted when new products were available.

Isn’t it crazy that I was almost about to lose my mind because I never got tangible gifts from anyone. Whereas the Bola that was always rubbing it in my face was using dubious methods to extort men who fell into her trap. This life ehn but wait, Bola has always been blessed with good men even from our sophomore year in university or has she been using Kayanmata since then? What if she’s in a cult? 

Bola walked in and understood that I had seen something I wasn’t supposed to. I stared straight into her eye balls as I was itching for an explanation. I needed answers to why I wasn’t informed of her new experiment with diabolical items. She bursted into tears and gave a very vague explanation. I knew there was more, there had to be, something must have led to this crazy behaviour. I needed something concrete, a background story, something that must have pushed her into this route but all I understood from all her blabbings was nothing but pure greed.

Bola wanted a baby girl lifestyle without wanting to put in the work. Her eyes are fixed on owning a property in banana island before the new year and her only claim to a legitimitate income is my company that she funds heavily. The crazy thing is she’s always reinvesting her profits, that’s to show you how much this Kayanmata business is booming for her. I honestly thought I knew her, I could vouch for her, this girl was supposed to be my partner in everything. My life is just filled with shitty people. I can’t even boast of a good friend. 

I was honestly speechless at this point of our conversation, she suddenly looked different to me, I didn’t even know how to react, I was just lost, disappointed and ashamed. like how in the world did I miss this? How can I go on calling her bestie, when I really didn’t even know her. I even honestly want her to pull out of our business as her views and mine are clearly parallel lines. 

Well, I decided to pull my thoughts together and act cool. Afterall, wisdom is critical in dealing with difficult situations. So I smiled and acted like it’s fine. Bola then knelt down and dropped the biggest bombshell of the entire decade with tears flowing down her eyes. She mentioned that I sprayed a perfume of hers in 200 level and she’s quite certain that’s why men don’t buy me pricey gifts because I ought to have sprayed it with my left and not my right hand. 

Ayemio!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wonders

God bless whoever invented leave days, my whole body was already shutting down gradually from stress, that my overbearing boss has forgotten that some of us run other businesses and still need time to mingle so that we can exit the spinsterhood lifestyle.

The crazy thing is although I have a boyfriend, I’m honestly better off without one. For heaven's sake Paul has never made me a priority and like my blunt bestie would say, no one I have ever dated has made me feel like a Queen. On the other hand my Bola gets men to literally move the world for her.

At almost 30 years of age, no one has ever bought me flowers, talk more of a fancy restaurant. I remember when Paul made a whooping 20 million Naira profit and I asked him to invest just one million in my business, he bluntly refused. This is a business he knows would do exceedingly well with more funds but thank God for Bola in my life and my savings from my Job. I’ll just have been a pauper girlfriend to a rich boyfriend. Nollywood for use my story catch cruise.

I remember how overjoyed I was when Paul took me to what my blunt Bola describes as a two star restaurant to celebrate his 20 million profit from his real estate hustle. I was too glad that finally “my level don elevate from mama-put to fancy restaurant”. As usual Bola was so pissed when I told. In her words, she claims I’m too nice to the men I’m with and men don’t like nice women. They prefer the wicked ones, the ones they have to chase endlessly.

Undoubtedly, I know Paul is not the one I want to spend the rest of my life with because he’s too stingy. This is a guy I go out of my way to please almost all the time. Not even one pricey thing from him, the best I get on my birthday is cake and trust me I'd have been reminding him for two months. Sometimes I pay the delivery fees myself and it’s not like he gives me quality time. It’s high time I end this falsehood going on. It’s better to be hungry than to eat poisoned food.

Bola moved in with me to console me, she’s very happy I broke up with Paul but she knows I’ll still wail for weeks even though I know I did the right thing. More importantly, she’s here to monitor our business as she’s a partner in my company. Suddenly, she screamed my name Tumiiiiiiiiiiii!!!! I almost jumped into pouring hot boiling water on myself. She handed over the phone to me and alas my world came crashing.

I was quiet for the better part of the day and Bola did everything she could to get me out of my mood but my brain kept replaying what I had just seen. Paul bought his new girl an IPhone 13 pro max and the funny thing is he blocked me from his ig account. I’m honestly not mad that he has moved on so quickly. My pain is that I literally begged this man to fund my business when his real estate was still booming and he said No but he could cough out this much on a phone for his new girlfriend, while I got nothing tangible for the last 3 years. Wow…. Just wow….

This incident took me down memory lane and I realised I’m honestly not worth shit… no man I have been with has ever bought me anything worthy of the gram and I’m not one of those who depend on men for money, in fact I even do more of the spending and when they start winning in life, the first thing they change is me….

If Bola knew this was how I'd react, I’m sure she'd never have shown me. I cried non-stop for days, refused to eat, couldn’t sleep no matter how hard I tried. I felt other girls were made of diamond while I was a mixture of wood and granite. My days became dark and my heart filled with too many questions.

Bola’s boyfriend came visiting and after sitting in silence with me for about 120 minutes. He drove us to a psychiatrist. I was admitted and my journey to wholeness began. Talking to my psychiatrist was a chore, I didn’t even know what to say, I just wanted to be left alone and stare into space but with time I understood my environment and realised I had gradually devalued myself because the men in my life were ass holes. 

I got better and it was time to be discharged, thanks to quality health care and I decided to surprise my friend with my arrival. She has been my rock in this turbulent time I had just overcome. My psychiatrist obliged me and offered to drop me at my place as she was still there. 

Bola was still in her towel when I arrived, she was too pleased to see me smiling. I spotted some soap on her back, so she ran off to wash it. I entered my room, thanked God that depression was now a thing of the past in my life. I picked up Bola’s phone because I needed to call my phone to find it. 

Shockingly, a message from an unstored number telling her that the ‘Do as I say’ complete package is now available and that it’s no longer 200 000 but 300 000 but because she’s a long time customer she can pay 280 000. I couldn’t believe my eyes.. so my bestie patronises Kayanmater sellers!!!!! 

Wonders will never end!!!!!!.

Instagram handle @dr_temielsie

Egg Hatched 2

Two beautiful weeks had passed and the only explanation I got from my dad was that my biological mum abandoned me and ran off with another man, immediately I was born. The truth is for some crazy reason my brain just decided to shut my introduction memory out.  As far as I am concerned, a woman who was mean enough to abandon me does not exist and it honestly should stay that way. I don’t even want her at my wedding. I was only grateful to the woman who stood by me and nurtured me like her very own. 

Charles and I had lunch at some fancy place, the food was too good we had to order take-outs for evening and head over to his place. I noticed something about him was jittery but I couldn’t place my finger on it or were his parents asking him to pull out cos of the drama???? No, I doubt that, they won’t be so mean to me. It’s not my fault that I was born under such a circumstance. Let’s just get to his house first, I’ll ask. That woman had better not just show her face anywhere near me ever again else I’ld hire those rough looking boys to teach her a lesson she’ll never ever forget!!!

I was candy-crushing on my phone, when Charles and my biological mum showed up. I was about to start yelling, when Charles asked me to grant her an audience, he went on his knees and called me by all the sweet names in Africa, I had no choice but to oblige. My mother sat beside me and began to speak.........

It was barely ten minutes into her speech when tears began to roll down my eyes, I felt honestly sorry for her. She had been through hell and back all in the name of love. I couldn’t believe my father would have treated anyone so badly because of their social status. I couldn’t even believe grandma let that happen. She brought in evidence of mails she and her new husband sent to reach me as far back as when I was in secondary school. O goodness, I felt betrayed. I don’t even want to live under the same roof with that man ever again.

My mother was a maid and my father continually had sexual relations with her, his mum knew and turned a blind eye to it but she quickly enrolled her in school and treated her nicely. So nicely, that they didn’t have to hide their relationship. My mum became pregnant and all hell was let loose. My father became a monster and constantly tagged her ‘a gold digger’ his mum did nothing but turn a blind eyes to her son’s actions.

Under her very watch, my father got married to my step-mom and she became their house maid. She barely had money to take care of herself and had no one to rely on, she didn’t even have money to get on a bus back to her village to meet her uncles COs she was an orphan. One-night after another round of serious beating, she ran out of the house and was hit by a car. It took her three days to regain consciousness. The good samaritan who hit her was a doctor who could tell she just gave birth and had empathy on her. He called my father and informed him of the accident, all my dad did was cut the call and block his number.

After days of waiting, the doctor decided to drive my mum home and alas they met the shock of their destinies. The neighbours told them that my my father, his wife, her daughter and his mum have relocated out of the country. She wept her eyes sore, she tried reaching some of grandma’s friends and they didn’t even let her the chance to enter their compound. Depression kicked in and she had to be admitted in a mental home, the doctor stood by her and helped rehabilitate her, sent her to fashion school and married her.  They got an old colleague of my father who had his mail, they reached out to him severally  but he refused to respond. That same old colleague was the one, who got in contact with them and informed them I was getting introduced and they rushed in from Ibadan. She apologised for disrupting my event and begged me for a chance to be a part of my life. 

I was speechless, all three of us looked like we’ve just been robbed. There are truly two sides to a story. I cannot believe my step mum married another woman’s husband and was comfortable living under the same roof with her as a maid??? We women need to do better and my granny too, watched her son humiliate another being daily and just because she was a maid. She turned a blind eye. Wow just wow..... 

Well, I know the truth now and I’m walking straight to my dad, to tell him my mother would be walking me down the aisle on my wedding day and whatever madness anyone wants to pull, they should sure be ready to get a triple dose. First off, let me get an apartment to move into, ain’t no way I’m living under the same roof with those humans and moving in with Charles in not an option, he has to pay my bride-price before history repeats itself.

Egg Hatched

I settled nicely in the “dark corner” of my room. I was not feeling our regular Saturday bants, infact since I got back from the UK six months ago, I have been a lil weird. My parents have held a mini intervention for me, they think it’s work that is taking a toll on me. The truth is they are partially right, no one ever told me that being in the “Fortune 500” earning bracket meant working till you drop. The other day the COO confidently sent 10 whooping tasks to my mail at 9:45pm and he wanted them attended to by morning. I was raving mad but then I smiled gracefully, took it home and worked all night long COs I have mates who have my same foreign MBA qualification and are still roaming the streets of Lagos to get a decent pay. 

Church was fun, our pastor spoke about doing the work and activating our faith. He spoke directly to me, COs since I got back I have been expecting Charles to pop the question. I mean we been an item for 4 years, 2 months and 18 days. We deserve to get marry. I didn’t ignore all the men in Manchester only to be left hanging in Lagos. Anyways I’ll visit Bukky today, I’ll pour out my fears, I just hope he’s not cheating. No Charles won’t do that again! He cheated once when we first started seeing each other, he kissed one Susan girl, I’ll forever dislike( ok girl you need to let her off your mind) they kissed at a club. He confessed to me himself and promised to be loyal and I believe he has been faithful or did I make a mistake by turning down his proposal two years ago but if I had my father would definitely not have sent me to the UK for my MBA, even my mum supported me wholeheartedly saying that my MBA would boost my earning power and it did. Something is just not right but I’ll land In Bukky’s house, narrate my story with the hope that she’ll tell her boyfriend Tej who’s Charles bestie. I’m a thousand percent sure Charles would be informed of my fears and I’ll watch his reaction. I turned on my ignition and voom I went.....

Charles was raving upset that I could talk to a third party, instead of coming straight to him. I was too happy my egg hatched... I apologised and he reminded me that he was only following my script. I think I must have mentioned it somewhere that I wanted to wait one year after I returned before our introduction. I must have been high on weed. Anyhu bae and his family came to my house and we picked an introduction date. My heart was racing with joy but somehow I still had doubts. My bestie concluded too many Yoruba films have messed with my brains.

The celebration began, my friends were dressed elegantly and already peppering every one. Charles and his friends came to flaunt their swags in HD. The turn-out was so massive it felt like a wedding reception. We were taking family pictures, when suddenly a woman elegantly dressed pulled our photographer away and yelled What is going on here? I was scared, very scared I looked at Charles for an explanation but he looked clueless. The woman then pulled my father out and was almost slapping him but for the timely intervention of my uncle. She hurled insults at him and then faced me and said Tomilola, I’m your mother and this cannot hold except I give my blessings. I became dizzy immediately, I saw Charles and my friends try to save me from hitting the ground.

Ethics kwa?

Imagine the freaking hypocrisy? Can Nigerians just pause for a bit and deep think this bbnaija ish, before they start throwing jabs. You’ll  realise it’s a reflection of our society but “mbanu” we have to play holier than thou because we are afraid to admit we too, kiss on our first date. Even my friend Tobiloba who’s currently shagging her friends father is forming moral compass on her whatsapp status. Let me just drop this phone before I cast her this evening.

Eno sef dey call person “opportunist”(laughs) this must be a joke. E-n-o same Eno that you must reward either financially or service wise if she runs a favour. Let me drop this phone abeg, I’m not about to subscribe to this bi-polar shenanigans my people are pulling on WhatsApp. This Bola wey make  life difficult for me all through last year sef dey form say person get bad character... weh done sir! Go and audition next year, let’s see if you’ll survive one week without twitter dragging your parents for not raising you well.

My mother’s  text interrupts my surfing bliss and of course... oh wait! It’s not her usual bants about getting a second degree. OMG! My cousin intro! Wawu! Daisy is getting married. Wow! I’m so glad, at least her parents can let her breathe in peace now. Chai! Daisy has suffered in their hands. Imagine being the first girl of 4 and all your younger siblings have kids in their husbands home. While you’re there just rocking your single life in torments. Aunty don *God when* taya for my ear. Let me go and pick out a statement dress for this beautiful occasion, destiny may find me there. Hmmm I think I’m happy with bae abeg. Our craze blend! But Daisy nor try sha, she did not even deem it fit to call me and gist me about our in-law and na me be her *consoler general* o. She see man na, she ex my side. I go call am..........

I couldn’t stop thinking about my conversation with Daisy and of-course my heart beat. He’s probably right, she’s hiding something. That’s the only reason she has been keeping her distance and forming busy. Abi is she pregnant? Ehn even if she is, I’ll not condemn her, even Jesus condemns no one. I just hope this her husband is not one of those shady men. It’ll be horrible for her to have waited for this long, only to end up with the wrong one. God forbid her experience pain in marriage after all that emotional abuse she had to endure at her parents all because she had no suitor. Nigerian Parents ehn! God will help them and this marriage matter. I think what strikes me most is that, some of these parents, especially mothers are freaking unhappy in their homes and if they could reverse the hands of time, they would have focused on their careers and married men who they wanted but yet they keep forcing marriage on women as if it’s some sort of reward for living. Sigh biko let me go n prepare for my onboarding task tomorrow before my boss would ask me to fire myself.

My mother almost made me bring bae, just in a bid to tell the world that her daughter is quarter to marry, I nor gree. First, even though bae and I are great, he has not popped the question yet. I cannot start forming wife, when I’m just a girl friend. I might even meet an eligible bachelor ready to commit, I wouldn’t want to ruin my chances... mbanu. Bae was even ranting on why he should come with us, I just hushed him up with the *Alaye jor jor* slang. He should use his common sense to know, that to attend family functions with me, I gotta see a shinny studded sliver circle on the appropriate finger.

Fred!!! Wait! Fred is Daisy’s man!!!! Tufiakwa! I was so uneasy all through the ceremony. I couldn’t wait for it to end. Men are wicked????? Ha! How can he even be so cruel? Bae has almost killed my phone with calls and messages reminding me about the ethics of my profession. Ethics kwa? He has asked me to remain calm and be diplomatic in my approach. But abeg na my family she be, I don’t freaking care, if CIPM like make dem collect my certificate. This wedding will not hold and I’ll bring out hard core evidence. How can be HIV positive and he’ll want to marry my cousin. O lord, I just hope they’ve not been making out. If only her parents were more lenient, she would have taken her time to study the bastard.

I went straight to my cousin, Fred was trying to form familiarity but trust me, my eye balls gave him all the response he needed. He’s HIV positive Daisy, I have his files, you cannot marry him. Ill bring you evidence, I’ll print his medical report on Monday and....... she cut me short and whispered into my ears. It’s a contract marriage! Don’t fret! I just need this people off my back and even  if I get infected, I honestly don’t care. I’ll use their anti-retro viral drugs to control it. All I want is to be married at-least,  so my own immediate family can accept me. Tears roll down her eyes.

Yoga gone wrong....

Should I just cancel my other sessions and stick to yoga? Naaaaa....my overly smart husband would start to sniff and woe betides me if he ever finds out, he’ll probably strangle me and have his father’s boys dump my body somewhere far away from civilisation.


Gbadebo and I have been married for nine years, it was my dream to be his Mrs. but never did I know I’ll one day think of opting out. I can’t work, can’t go out without my aids, can’t use a public gym, must wear only designer labels, no privacy as all my social media accounts are subjected to constant checks by the head of security and my husband- even Whatsapp!







Marrying into a rich and powerful family sure has more negatives than positives. The world only admires the material things and prestige they presume you enjoy, they have no clue about the pain, neglect and fear you are constantly subjected to.

My father-in-law is a very wealthy man, his name opens almost all doors beyond the shores of this country, his net worth would take Africa away from penury forever. Interestingly, he’s not a politician, has never been one and to the best of my knowledge he’s not aspiring to be one but every politician who aspires to be great calls him ‘The god father’.



I have made up my mind to relieve my boredom with my yoga instructor John, infact I opened a secret email where all our chats flow through, he’s the sweetest being on earth and he makes my heart leap for joy, I can’t wait to explore my sexual fantasies with him but the security at my house would not let me be great and hey! you’re not allowed to judge me cos you commit a different sin than I do. Remove the log in your eyes first, while I map out a plan.



YASSSS!!!! My husband fell for it, called him up to explain that my friends, Tosin and Dolly P planned a getaway, he allowed me to attend and even offered to pay for our girls trip after all he won’t be back from his trip till much later in the month. I called my crazy Dolly P whose expensive lifestyle is furnished by her baby daddy and intimated her of my plans. She almost had a seizure.



The plan was pretty simple, I was going to stage a rape incident, John and his friend would come into my room, John would have me and his friend would have Dolly P, so my husband doesn’t suspect anything, Tosin on the other hand is going through a tough time in her marriage, she’s been officially tagged barren as her husband mistress just bore him a child. So I’m sure she’ll just remain in her room and monitor sales in her shop, while myself and the crazy Dolly P gossip and tour away.



John walked and his friend walked into my room, while Tosin was pouring out her heart to me, I was trying to signal John to stop his friend from having Tosin, it did not occur to me to send him Dolly P’s picture, now I’m going to have to live with this guilt for the rest of my life.The sharpest pain I have ever felt engulfed my body, I screamed like I was about to be butchered, John and his friend fled the scene but not before finishing the act. I couldn’t move, I laid there lifeless, for a second I thought that was the end. I rolled over to the other side of my bed, Tosin was slowly dragging herself to help me up, Dolly P walked in and hurriedly rushes to help me up, They both suddenly paused and stared at the bed sheet with shock written all over their faces.



I turned to see what could be so strange, did John leave his ID card or drop a flower? Alas! it dawned on me that I had omitted the most important thing in executing my silly plan... how do I explain to my friends that I had just 
lost my virginity even though I had been married for nine years and have two children who call me mummy?



Credit:
All Images: from Google
Instagram handle : @temielsie

EXCUSASHIONSHIP

Girls are truly no longer smiling, a friend of mine just opened the biggest furniture, fashion and food outlet in Lekki and Ikeja axis of Lagos, I was totally stunned  at the combination, the team and I had to sharply change her name to triple threat with a bang (TTB) and this my girl still has a 9-5 ‘fortune 500’ job. I really need to start selling something or doing something extra. I need to make extra cash, this my salary cannot fund my travelling around the world fantasies but my head has never brought up any idea that can fetch money, I guess I’m only good at my job and of course thinking about one man, whose alter ego is in love with me.

I have been in love with Tola since forever, he’s been my back and forth lover, the truth is I am even scared to call him that in public before he tells me he has never asked me out or something worse. I doubt I can survive if he embarrasses me but who am I deceiving, I’m just his occasional lover, he’ll probably run off with some ‘over-woke girl’ when he’s ready to walk down the aisle and give me a sub story, that’s if he even considers me worthy enough for an explanation but he’s not a total ‘kill joy’, he has his seasons though my friends think he looks at me with ‘tender eyes….’ I have never interpreted his stares that way, all I see is a man who hiding under his alter ego to give me false hope of a forever that may never see the sun kiss the earth.

Shade was super tired of hearing me say anything about Tola, she thinks I should talk to him about it, in her words it’s better to know where you stand, it’s a the first step to moving on and giving better men a chance to blow your mind but bikonu (please) how do you twenty-first century children ask men out???????????????? I tried, I really t-r—i—e—d, the words were not just coming out, this was two years ago and for some crazy reason I feel I should try it now, its 2-0-1-8 and let’s just say social media has helped make me a ‘passive wokee’. I told Shade I was going to see him and she didn’t even let me finish before she yelled ‘‘I think Tola is either secretly married or has a girlfriend’ no one ignores a semi good girl like you for this long, leave him alone aah’’. I laughed and then tears rolled down my eyes it was a quick slide from happy to sad, she hugged me and for the first time I saw how sorry she was for my ‘love life’ that’s if what I have qualifies to bare that title.

I sincerely love T-o-l-a and he has told me severally ‘he likes me a lot too’. I know he’s busy with work and career advancement, that’s why he doesn’t call and check-up as often as……………….. here I go again making excuses for him, that’s one thing I have perfected over the years, Shade once called what I share with Tola an ‘excusashionship’. I brought out the ring I bought to propose to Tola and Shade almost passed out.  She begged me not to do it in public so if he declines, I don’t get the embarrassment of my destiny! We hugged, she started to cry too and she made me promise I wouldn’t do anything stupid, if he turned me down.

I got the best face beat of my life and was about to slide into my car and drive when Shade chased me into the cab she already ordered, I was a hundred percent sure she thought he’ll decline but I was somehow excited and hopeful. I landed in Tola’s house and the shock on his face could give an African parent a heart attack, he was watching the latest season of ‘How to get away with murder’ fortunately I hadn’t seen it so we snacked and watched, one of his friends came to spoil the moment by visiting and to my greatest surprise, Tola asked me to come say hi to him in the sitting room, I was feeling like a wife already, I landed back on his bed and let the guys continue their talk but instead of watching the series, I decided to read his messages, some were from random girls seeking his attention, he wasn’t giving them any green light but was sure leading them on but nothing major and somehow I decided to read mother’s conversation and to my greatest surprise she asked him if he had used his anti-retroviral drug!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I started to run temperature, vomit and stool all at once, I cast my mind to the conversation I heard on radio, the presenter actually said Nigeria has the largest number of HIV positive humans In the world and I basically laughed it off, wait when was he going to tell me?  At this point the series was doing the watching, I couldn’t wait to run away from this devil in human flesh, maybe that’s why he was hesitant, first I need to take a test just to be double sure.

Tola came in, he wanted to feed me from his cup, I faked a sneeze and while I closed my eyes to cough heartily, he had knelt down and asked me the question I had been waiting for all my life……I stared into his eyes and wondered, what crime my ancestors had committed for this demon in human form to want to destroy me but something in me still felt like hugging him and saying YES!!!!!! 

Images: Google
Instagram handle @temielsie