Yoga gone wrong....

Should I just cancel my other sessions and stick to yoga? Naaaaa....my overly smart husband would start to sniff and woe betides me if he ever finds out, he’ll probably strangle me and have his father’s boys dump my body somewhere far away from civilisation.


Gbadebo and I have been married for nine years, it was my dream to be his Mrs. but never did I know I’ll one day think of opting out. I can’t work, can’t go out without my aids, can’t use a public gym, must wear only designer labels, no privacy as all my social media accounts are subjected to constant checks by the head of security and my husband- even Whatsapp!







Marrying into a rich and powerful family sure has more negatives than positives. The world only admires the material things and prestige they presume you enjoy, they have no clue about the pain, neglect and fear you are constantly subjected to.

My father-in-law is a very wealthy man, his name opens almost all doors beyond the shores of this country, his net worth would take Africa away from penury forever. Interestingly, he’s not a politician, has never been one and to the best of my knowledge he’s not aspiring to be one but every politician who aspires to be great calls him ‘The god father’.



I have made up my mind to relieve my boredom with my yoga instructor John, infact I opened a secret email where all our chats flow through, he’s the sweetest being on earth and he makes my heart leap for joy, I can’t wait to explore my sexual fantasies with him but the security at my house would not let me be great and hey! you’re not allowed to judge me cos you commit a different sin than I do. Remove the log in your eyes first, while I map out a plan.



YASSSS!!!! My husband fell for it, called him up to explain that my friends, Tosin and Dolly P planned a getaway, he allowed me to attend and even offered to pay for our girls trip after all he won’t be back from his trip till much later in the month. I called my crazy Dolly P whose expensive lifestyle is furnished by her baby daddy and intimated her of my plans. She almost had a seizure.



The plan was pretty simple, I was going to stage a rape incident, John and his friend would come into my room, John would have me and his friend would have Dolly P, so my husband doesn’t suspect anything, Tosin on the other hand is going through a tough time in her marriage, she’s been officially tagged barren as her husband mistress just bore him a child. So I’m sure she’ll just remain in her room and monitor sales in her shop, while myself and the crazy Dolly P gossip and tour away.



John walked and his friend walked into my room, while Tosin was pouring out her heart to me, I was trying to signal John to stop his friend from having Tosin, it did not occur to me to send him Dolly P’s picture, now I’m going to have to live with this guilt for the rest of my life.The sharpest pain I have ever felt engulfed my body, I screamed like I was about to be butchered, John and his friend fled the scene but not before finishing the act. I couldn’t move, I laid there lifeless, for a second I thought that was the end. I rolled over to the other side of my bed, Tosin was slowly dragging herself to help me up, Dolly P walked in and hurriedly rushes to help me up, They both suddenly paused and stared at the bed sheet with shock written all over their faces.



I turned to see what could be so strange, did John leave his ID card or drop a flower? Alas! it dawned on me that I had omitted the most important thing in executing my silly plan... how do I explain to my friends that I had just 
lost my virginity even though I had been married for nine years and have two children who call me mummy?



Credit:
All Images: from Google
Instagram handle : @temielsie

EXCUSASHIONSHIP

Girls are truly no longer smiling, a friend of mine just opened the biggest furniture, fashion and food outlet in Lekki and Ikeja axis of Lagos, I was totally stunned  at the combination, the team and I had to sharply change her name to triple threat with a bang (TTB) and this my girl still has a 9-5 ‘fortune 500’ job. I really need to start selling something or doing something extra. I need to make extra cash, this my salary cannot fund my travelling around the world fantasies but my head has never brought up any idea that can fetch money, I guess I’m only good at my job and of course thinking about one man, whose alter ego is in love with me.

I have been in love with Tola since forever, he’s been my back and forth lover, the truth is I am even scared to call him that in public before he tells me he has never asked me out or something worse. I doubt I can survive if he embarrasses me but who am I deceiving, I’m just his occasional lover, he’ll probably run off with some ‘over-woke girl’ when he’s ready to walk down the aisle and give me a sub story, that’s if he even considers me worthy enough for an explanation but he’s not a total ‘kill joy’, he has his seasons though my friends think he looks at me with ‘tender eyes….’ I have never interpreted his stares that way, all I see is a man who hiding under his alter ego to give me false hope of a forever that may never see the sun kiss the earth.

Shade was super tired of hearing me say anything about Tola, she thinks I should talk to him about it, in her words it’s better to know where you stand, it’s a the first step to moving on and giving better men a chance to blow your mind but bikonu (please) how do you twenty-first century children ask men out???????????????? I tried, I really t-r—i—e—d, the words were not just coming out, this was two years ago and for some crazy reason I feel I should try it now, its 2-0-1-8 and let’s just say social media has helped make me a ‘passive wokee’. I told Shade I was going to see him and she didn’t even let me finish before she yelled ‘‘I think Tola is either secretly married or has a girlfriend’ no one ignores a semi good girl like you for this long, leave him alone aah’’. I laughed and then tears rolled down my eyes it was a quick slide from happy to sad, she hugged me and for the first time I saw how sorry she was for my ‘love life’ that’s if what I have qualifies to bare that title.

I sincerely love T-o-l-a and he has told me severally ‘he likes me a lot too’. I know he’s busy with work and career advancement, that’s why he doesn’t call and check-up as often as……………….. here I go again making excuses for him, that’s one thing I have perfected over the years, Shade once called what I share with Tola an ‘excusashionship’. I brought out the ring I bought to propose to Tola and Shade almost passed out.  She begged me not to do it in public so if he declines, I don’t get the embarrassment of my destiny! We hugged, she started to cry too and she made me promise I wouldn’t do anything stupid, if he turned me down.

I got the best face beat of my life and was about to slide into my car and drive when Shade chased me into the cab she already ordered, I was a hundred percent sure she thought he’ll decline but I was somehow excited and hopeful. I landed in Tola’s house and the shock on his face could give an African parent a heart attack, he was watching the latest season of ‘How to get away with murder’ fortunately I hadn’t seen it so we snacked and watched, one of his friends came to spoil the moment by visiting and to my greatest surprise, Tola asked me to come say hi to him in the sitting room, I was feeling like a wife already, I landed back on his bed and let the guys continue their talk but instead of watching the series, I decided to read his messages, some were from random girls seeking his attention, he wasn’t giving them any green light but was sure leading them on but nothing major and somehow I decided to read mother’s conversation and to my greatest surprise she asked him if he had used his anti-retroviral drug!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I started to run temperature, vomit and stool all at once, I cast my mind to the conversation I heard on radio, the presenter actually said Nigeria has the largest number of HIV positive humans In the world and I basically laughed it off, wait when was he going to tell me?  At this point the series was doing the watching, I couldn’t wait to run away from this devil in human flesh, maybe that’s why he was hesitant, first I need to take a test just to be double sure.

Tola came in, he wanted to feed me from his cup, I faked a sneeze and while I closed my eyes to cough heartily, he had knelt down and asked me the question I had been waiting for all my life……I stared into his eyes and wondered, what crime my ancestors had committed for this demon in human form to want to destroy me but something in me still felt like hugging him and saying YES!!!!!! 

Images: Google
Instagram handle @temielsie