This thing called 'Depression'

  I picked up my golden pen (make I use dt old pick up line), I sincerely was out of lines, one thing I knew for sure was that my annual leave would not pass me by this year, after four years of concurrent self less service, I was determined to take my time off, I needed some space to let my hair out, more importantly my wedding should be soon I need to start my window shopping spree before making my choice Abeg I need time off(No b only me be doctor) I scribbled a few lines via email to my medical director, he consented after much plea and by the end of the week, I was dancing into my freedom time. I couldn't wait for the month to be over, the love of my life decided to take me to dinner, he was going to propose I said to myself, I dashed off to buy a fantastic dinner gown that had sexy written all over it, I had not told him I was getting some time off work, I wanted to surprise him, a trip to Zanzibar would be perfect I thought!!!! (Too much Olivia Pope in the system)

   Demilade was looking as strikingly handsome as ever, his appearance always threw me off balance for some seconds.... Chai.... "My last bus stop" effortlessly sends shrills down my spine. Our tenth anniversary was in a bit and his mum has been on our throat to quit dating and tie the knots,(in Btwn, my mother in law to be can be quite a pest when she wants to have her way) half way through our meal, Demi slid his phone to me, I read through the mail... It was his admission for his doctoral program. Con-gra-tu-la-ti-on-s dear I said slowly.... I"ll be away for three years he said, during which I"ll be consulting for a few firms in Germany and the UK.He went on and on about what his dissertation would be about, while I sat there motionlessly I had zoomed into the melancholy mood. (I had to voice out my heart)

    Does this mean I have to wait for another three years before you change my last name and make me bloated? I asked trying to fake a smile He paused then held my left hand( for a moment I thought he was about to put a ring on it) then he said, I really don't have to if I can't as he wouldn't want to delay me!!!!!!! WHAT?????? Demi... (I paused, rushed the glass of white wine down my throat, then looked at him) I understand this quest for you wanting to have the Dr thingy before your name but telling me to go after ten years causally does hurt (I pouted to let air out) Demi held my hand and whispered the word I am sorry but I don't want to keep you much longer I know your biological clock is ticking quite fast these days, it would be unfair of me to deprive you of your happiness. (I really couldn't believe my ears) and you feel this speech of yours is appropriate now? Why did you not give this speech before you travelled for your MBA or Msc? (Tears rolled down my eyes) After all these years, Ademilade, in 5weeks we would be Ten remember! (He tried to utter something, I Cut in) Demi please you can do your PhD online, keep your job and let's start the real thing. (He explained how impossible that is) I knew he wouldn't bulge but him asking me to go if I couldn't wait was demeaning more like he could do without me and I really could not think of a happy life without him, as he drove me home, I realised he wasn't my last bus stop after all.....

    I landed in Dubai, I said no words about my newly attained status to no one not even my mum and as a medical personnel, I was aware that talking to people when depressed is actually the first step to healing. For days  all I did was lay in my hotel room weeping like a woman who just lost her child, I refused to eat anything concrete. I was gradually loosing my mind..... I lost track of my time, hours ran into weeks and still no call from Demi.... After two weeks of despair I decided to shop a bit as I Stil had plans to spend a few days in the U.S., I met a few Nigerian girls at the mall, we got talking they were actually fun and for the first time since Demi chose his career over me I laughed heartily.

    Joan came severally to pick me out, she had so much money to throw around, her friends were exactly like her too buh she seemed more of the money bag I thought. On one of our shopping spree she paid for all our goodies (dt money reach build duplex 4 Naija) I decided to ask her where she work (it's definitely an oil company I said) she smiled and dropped the bomb shell, I don't exactly work dear. (I laughed) then your husband must be very wealthy. Husband!!!! I don't intend to have one!!!! She replied with anger in her voice!!!! You sound bitter!!! (I became concerned) I am not, you know what lets go see a movie she dragged me out of the room forcefully.

  She was definitely hiding something, but I enjoyed the social climb she was spicing my life with, before my depression runs into the acute phase, I still cried a lil at night tho. On this fateful evening I stumbled on my new found friend"s domicillary account balance.... I really almost fainted!! She"s wealthier than some economies. I became very inquisitive and threw the question at her again....... My...... Father is a very wealthy man. He was a senator(rolled her eyes) Madueke. Oh I see.... But you can't keep spending money without investing in something... (She smiled) shopping makes me happy!!! (We both laughed it off)

    She checked me out my hotel room and forced me to live with her in her mansion  (politicians dey chop money sha) I began taking some drugs to help me sleep as that was becoming a difficulty (they were prescribed, say no to self medication) in my sleep, I could hear Joan yell at some dude that really wants to change her last name, I have been trying to cajole her into giving the man a chance but all to no avail, on this day, she cursed him so bad that the effect of the drugs had no choice but to act in opposite direction in me, I yelled back at her, (in anger, I hurriedly said) Joan why are you so bitter? What in God"s holy name has the young man done to you? Why do you hate men? Are you a lesbian? Am almost dying of depression because my man decideded to dump me off after ten years and here you are cursing a responsible man away, you better jump off your high horses and make that switch to reality and quit the shopping spree madness.

   She wept bitterly and said to me, I was raped by my father and uncle for the most productive part of my teenage years!!!!! How am I supposed to love any man with that kind of childhood? Shopping is my method of curing my own heart ache, All this flashy life, partying etc that's where I hide my dark side........(The concluding part would be published next month If Jesus tarries, kindly follow the blog to get immediate update once It is uploaded, thanks)

Editor- Sandra Ihejirika