Romance on Life Support

 Come closer. Let's talk, heart-to-heart.

Is it just me, or is “He supports me in his own way” married-woman code for 'He tries, kind of, but not really in the way that I need'?

I thought I was the only one picking up on this until I read an article my mentor wrote. She summed up her marriage using that exact phrase, and suddenly, it clicked. How many of us are really married to our soulmates? Or are we all just managing by crossing our fingers, counting our blessings, and praying romance gods send backup?

Let’s be honest, for many women, if your husband doesn’t cheat, you’re basically a trophy wife. But is that really the goal? What happened to our Disney-drenched childhood dreams of Romeo-style declarations, surprise love notes, and forehead kisses under the rain?

Have we shelved our romantic cravings in the dusty pages of literature, replacing them with meal plans and daycare runs?

The truth is, I love my husband. Our home? Far from perfect. But we laugh. He’s a good father. We both contribute to the bills, and hey, that’s no small feat these days. But romance? It’s… on life support. I want the soft stuff. The spontaneous kisses. The slow dances in the kitchen. Love letters. Cheesy texts. Carry-me-like-a-baby moments. But my man isn’t budging. I’ve tried everything short of hiring a mariachi band. Nothing. So now I channel my romantic cravings into books, movies, and midnight swoons over fictional characters who know how to work a rose bouquet.

But let me tell you about my best friend, Tolani.

Her marriage? A whole different story. Her husband used to be a certified cheat back in their Lagos days. He had the money, and the women milked him dry. But post-move to Canada? The guy rebranded. Allegedly. He’s now a “retired cheat” — Tolani’s words, not mine. The problem is: he’s still emotionally AWOL. He’s home, but never present. His heart belongs to his PS5 and his Twitter football fam. The only time she gets his attention is when he’s looking for, well… sugar. And then — sleep mode activated.

She does everything. School runs, house chores, bills. And slowly, my bubbly, fun, full-of-fire friend has become… a ghost of herself. Canada can be cold — literally and emotionally. Add three kids, no village, and a partner who clocks out emotionally, and you’ve got the perfect cocktail for burnout. Therapy could help, but guess what? Therapy costs money. And free time. Neither of which she has.

She’s had all the talks. All the tears. Her mum’s advice? At least he’s not cheating anymore. Keep praying. He’ll change.

Ma’am. Respectfully — is that the standard now?

I knew Tolani was struggling, but I didn't know just how much until my phone rang at 2 AM. I thought it was a distant cousin ignoring time zones again, but nope — it was Oye. Tolani’s husband.

“Is she with you?”

She hadn’t come home.

Cue panic mode. I woke my husband. We called every friend. No sign. Her number? Dead. Socials? Silent. I was scared out of my mind. What if she’d snapped? What if… I couldn’t even say it.

By noon the next day, still no word. We filed a police report. Oye looked worried, but something felt… off. He claimed they didn’t fight. I wasn’t so sure.

Her kids were confused. Little Kanyinsola asked me where her mummy was. I blurted out, “She had to travel and see grandma.”

Lying to a child is hard. Lying when you don’t even know the truth? Brutal.

Days passed. Then weeks. And then, out of nowhere, I got a video call — no caller ID. I hesitated. Picked up.

It was Tolani.

Looking radiant. Like a woman who had just rediscovered oxygen.

“Don’t be mad,” she said before I could even scream. “I knew you’d talk me out of it. That’s why I didn’t tell you.”

She found divorce papers her husband had hidden. So, she signed them. Quietly. Packed a bag. Left them where he’d find them — eventually. Then ghosted. Just like that. No kids. No tears. Just peace.

“I love my children,” she said. “But I also need to love myself. For once.”

She’s in therapy. Rebuilding. Healing. Living her best, quiet, private life. No, she hasn’t called the kids yet. But she will. She promised. And for the first time in nine years — she chose herself.

So here’s the big question:

Are we all just waiting for our partner to wake up and see us?

Or is it time we wake up and see ourselves?

Let’s talk.

CIA Fortified

 Being a CIA detective is a crazy career path and most of the time, agents who go down this route do not necessarily have a choice. All you have to do is to be great at criminal activities and boom, you'll receive a prison guest that'll change your life forever. I know a whole lot of people when watching this in movies think it's a great freedom bargain but what freedom is there when you constantly have to be in the line of fire for both worthy and unscrupulous causes?

Anyhu, the agency has gone berserk as they just recruited this Nigerian who looks lost half of the times I have seen him. Although he's got a huge crime credits on his portfolio, I don't see him living beyond our next operation. I mean, this guy literally just got into the US 5 years ago and there's no way he'll be equipped to fight robots!!! Let's not add the other 5 aggrieved ex CIA agents waging this war against Mark. 

Mark on the other hand seems unperturbed even when we've got intel to prove that these agents have builts robots as part of their staff. He knows that before they get to him, word would have gotten to our superiors and someone would be down to save him. The reality is that a lot of agents and agencies resources would have been caught in the line of fire.

My only aim on this field trip is to stay alive, I cannot afford to jeopardize my chances of raising my unborn child. Afterall, this mission is a personal one and I will not be made to pay for Mark's betrayal to his team members so that he could get promoted in the early 2000s. 

The D-day is here and the clueless Nigerian agent is here chewing gum and looking like he's going to meet his crush. The first series of sporadic gunshots sent us into different corners of the apartment. A few agents had dropped and I was damn sure the newbie was one of them because I hadn't seen him since the shots began. Our mission was simply to take out all 5 of them and destroy the building. The crazy thing is we haven't seen any humans since we walked in. The robots have been doing the shooting non-stop and it doesn't look like they'll ever run out of bullets. At this point, it's safe to say that no agent is leaving this place alive… I mean how do you kill robots that are refusing to die…how????

I was literally finding an exit route because it'll be stupid of me to choose any other course of action. I could see so many agents lifeless already and i wasnt about to join them. I took two steps backward as and accidentally hit the Nigerian. I was stunned he wasnt dead yet…..

Suddenly Mark's greatest enemy and the gang appeared from behind and they started shooting at us…..just like magic, the Nigerian agent walked right into their bullets and was just shaking it off like it was nothing. I was already under the table watching all the drama unfold. He then commanded them to drop their weapons and follow him and they did. He beckoned me to come out from my hiding and as soon I joined him. We found ourselves at the headquarters.

Mark had his enemies handcuffed, while he praised us excellently for a job well done. We were definitely going to get a raise but what my eyes had just seen had left my tongued tied….

I couldn't wait to get a grip of myself and find out how he did, what he did and how I can do it?

Brouhaha

 My Wife does not really dig my family members and to some extent I kind of agree with why she'll not rate them. Sometimes, I fear that if we flip tables and we switch families, I'll not be able to take half of the things she overlooks from them. 

But the situation is crazy, as my family would always be in our faces and I love them even though I know their entitlement and over-bearing attitude is killing. And I know they have no respect for boundaries as they literally constitutes a nuisance every time they at our home. From taking things at will from the fridge and eating like theyve been starved, to being wasteful…the list is endless….

My wife on the otherhand is very accountable, she hates wastes and really loves her space, although she encouraged them to visit and sleep over at first….. i'm sure if time could be reversed that would never have happened. 

One faithful evening, I came home to a dirty kitchen and because my wife works from home she had to bear the brunt even though it was my siblings that messed the whole place up. I knew I should have asked what went wrong but I was just looking for who to pour my corporate frustrations on and for the first time my wife wept like a baby. Our daughter was so moved that she too wept. It was a quiet Thursday evening in our home and that became the statusquo……..

Even my siblings and mum observed the cold shoulders my wife gave us. She no longer cared, no longer stayed up if I came back late… no longer had a burning sensation in her eyes for me. She just put all her energy on our daughter and her job. I missed her but in my head I thought she was doing to much and decided to reciprocate the energy. Afterall, after having a conversation with my mum that's what she subtly encouraged. I also observed that during this period, my family's financial requests doubled and because they were the only ones who I could talk too I indulged them and they were glad. Let's just say they enjoyed the friction we had and decided to milk it.

Because of the atmospheric condition of my home. I decided to suprisingly pay my family a visit on a Saturday morning and alas, I found them planning on how to extort more money from me, my younger sister even called my wife a moron for allowing me spend so much money on them when I didnt have any building project of my own.

 Although my mum cautioned her that my wife is a good woman, I totally agree with my sister just that I think that I'm the moron here. How did I become so stupid as to prioritize my extended family needs over my immediate family? Shouldn't I have been the one to instill discipline in them when they visited? Shouldn't i have a cap on the money i send to them? Why should my future self suffer because I have entitled family?

Afterall my wife had done her part my accommodating them even though she likes her space. I was determined to make things right and I headed back home. To my greatest suprise, instead of meeting my wife and daughter, watching tv and munching over some snacks as usual. I met a note….Tolani had obtained a UK study visa and was on her way to the airport with my child. 

Ife

I jumped out of my bed like I was running late for my own wedding. The crazy thing is that it was my manager's ringtone that kept buzzing in my head and for the first time in five years I'm actually thinking about the lyrics of the song that won't stop ringing out loud even during very important meetings. My manager is a mess with technology but super efficient at her tasks and she's very humane in her dealings. You cannot help but love her, so I forgive her phone's loudness. 

To be candid, just like the lyrics of the song said, I need to stay motivated and follow what my heart truly desires. The problem here is that I don't seem to remember when I ever got what I truly wanted. After high school, I remember I badly wanted to become an actor but I dared not speak about such a career path in my home. Else, my parents would have had me for breakfast and I am not kidding. So, my father filled out my phone and chose economics. Well, I got in, finished with a first class and I thought about working in this consulting firm in the UK but Alas, I didn't get the job and had to settle for one of the big 4 firms in the country. 

Now, let's talk about when I wanted to move out of our family home. My parents were quick to remind me that only marriage can change my house address. It's so bad that I had to lie that my company gave me the car I drive or else my parents would not let me drive any car above a 2006 model because according to them, it'll chase potential suitors away. 

So you see, all my life I have never been allowed to have what my heart desires. And yes, there was one time I had hoped I'd marry this strikingly handsome son of Adam but somehow I lost him to stupidity. 

My friend now ex-friend Ife had always praised our relationship. I mean who wouldn't? Dami and I were a match made from heaven, we were perfect, excelling in school and social life. We had even planned to get married after school and relocate to the US. Then, Ife the devil, came and told me Dami tried to seduce her and instead of me, to verify from Dami or at least hear him out, I just believed her and cut him off. She had begged me not to reveal the discussion to him because she's scared he might hurt her and because women support women I fell for the biggest game plan in history.

Less than a year after we graduated, I heard Ife was pregnant for Dami. This news landed me in the hospital and malaria had to take the fall for it. Kanyi, explained that Ife had eyes for Dami and his parents' wealth and she's sure she lied to get me to hate him.

No wonder Dami tried to visit me severally to.get me to talk to him. I even thought he was faking amnesia and then I blocked him on all platforms. I thought he had been deceiving me and I trusted my girl more, because we've been friends since high school and she had become like a sister to me. Well, I learnt the hard way that humans are not to be trusted. 

I couldn't but help wonder what had become of their marriage. I'm sure they are waxing stronger and I'm here single to stupor and crazily finding a way to exit my parents house cos I need my freedom. I looked him up on instagram and the man is even hotter, they even have three cute children. He's super successful and has established his own tech company. I remember how he'll talk to me about this for hours and now that fool IFE is queening on his empire. 

I sent him a dm and like they say the rest is history. He booked the next available flight and he was in my city by the weekend. CEO moves. I had to sweet talk my boss into giving me two weeks off. She obliged only because I told her an old friend was coming to town and once she found out he was Male…she already started picking wedding colors. I was sure to leave out the fact that he's married or else she'll drag my ass to her church for deliverance and counseling sessions. 

Without a doubt, I had to lie to my parents that I had work in another city and since travelling is a regular occurrence in my line of work no eye brows were raised. I packed my bags, jumped into an uber and headed for the hotel. Dami was already there…..

It was the most intense 150 minutes of my entire life. It was the first time Dami knew what caused my attitude and he was raving mad. Firstly, he was angry, I believed her. Secondly, he was broken that I didn't even give him the benefit of the doubt to hear him out. He then went on babbling about how she started to comfort him when I fenced him out of my life and how he slept with her just once and suddenly he had to marry her because she was pregnant.  I now started to blame him for sleeping with her, he should have controlled himself or dated somebody else not IFE. At the end of the day, we were both exhausted and we shed hot tears. 

I really wish I could turn back the hands of time and undo this madness but it is what it is. I'm about to become a side chick of a man that ought to be mine and I bet you I'll be giving IFE the greatest misery of her entire life. 

As expected, we had sex without condoms and here I was happy that'll I soon disgrace my parents but I wasn't thinking, I was just too happy to have Dami back. We even flew to Dubai and I had the most expensive vacation ever. My two weeks break was over and I had to get back to work.

It's been almost two years since I became the rich side chick of the CEO who still lived in her parents house. The sad part though is that I have been unable to get pregnant and I was beginning to get worried that I might have a medical issue. For starters, I have never been pregnant in my life and I have had sexual relations with two men outside of Dami. I was worried, really worried that I was going for a medical test and because I was scared of someone finding me out. Dami and I thought it was best to visit a gynecologist in a far away city than where we both live and we got on the trip. In the spirit of supporting me, he said we should act like couples, so if I had any issue they could prescribe drugs that'll help me conceive and he'll hide his baby on a faraway island with all the best nannies and chefs of this world. I love Dami….I swear I do.

The greatest surprise here is that my tests came out negative. The doctor confirmed that I had no problem conceiving at least medically but Dami had low sperm count and cannot father a child till he undergoes treatment. 

HA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Twist

Life can be a wonder sometimes and can take a very unpredictable turn. Who would have thought I'd be single at this age? Kai. A whole SPEC like me! Hottest girl on the block! Finest girl ever liveth! But Alas all my hours at the gym to keep my hourglass shape in check has not been able to keep a man. Not even my position or mother's celebrity status has helped. 

The crazy part of this story is that I'm turning 32. And even though my parents try to be civil and kind when addressing my spinsterhood, they spare no words. To be candid, I feel their pain, my mum is a successful celebrity marriage counselor with thousands of followers. She has helped bring a gazillion people together and help turbulent marriages find peace. But Somehow her beloved daughter is still SINGLE and I'm sure she's low-key worried that'll remain single for life. 

I once overheard her say to her friend that she thinks I'm too choosy. Only if she knew how I tried to be nice to these men. But they ain't shit! I have dated poor, broke, rich and wealthy and one constant character trait they all have is lack of self control. And I cannot open my eyes and walk into a marriage that already has a shaky foundation. NEVER!

It's better for me to endure the long sermon of my parents than saying yes to cheating and all sorts of nasty behaviour from "under-developed adults". Even my mother at 62 still gets flowers, respect and all the accolades a good man should give his woman from my dad. Abeg they've set the standard and I'll be damned if I bend to pressure to marry any one below the standard my dad has set. 

I remember one time I dated Femi…. I really suffered. This guy showed me shege, he almost ruined me. In fact I was bankrupt because I kept loaning him funds even from my investments and he never paid back. Thank God I received sense and walked out of that sham. That's how I'll have been penniless with all my years of waking up early to catch the staff bus. Abeg o. I'm done with canceling my non-negotiables to be MRS somebody. Till God gives me love like my parents. I'll be here taking myself on fancy dates and investing for my future kids. 

For some amazing reason, I decided the best way to avoid my parents on my birthday was to leave super early for work and return very late. This meant I had to drive myself to work. So I can drive myself back very late. All these crazy uber stories have humbled me in recent times. At 5am, I set out, my younger sister had laughed so heartily when I told her my plans and she played along. She'll tell them not to wait up for me for dinner because I'll be having meetings till late. 

Two of my friends joined me at this new lounge and we had a blast. I didn't know it was past midnight till my sister called. I jumped into the car and sped off, I turned into our estate and then in less than one minute I heard the most frightening sound ever. … my car had been hit by a drunk. 

The man came over apologising and he didn't look drunk, I was too scared to even come down. We exchanged contacts and he promised to fix my bumper and that's how I said bye to the single life. It didn't take long for us to get fond of each other and at one of our meetings. He proposed! And I was too shocked to even say YES! 

I know proposals are supposed to usher in beautiful butterfly moments but that wasn't the case for me. Adams is everything I want in a man but he has a child and I'm worried as to how my parents would react to that. Even though, the mother of his child is still very single, her parents are chronic muslims and have said they'll never allow them to be man and wife. So it's not like I'm snatching. I'm just scared that my mum might not see it that way. She frowns at anything that has the semblance of "sidechikism" and I share in her sentiments.

As expected, my house was on fire after the revelation. And the verdict was simple, return the ring to him and search for your own man. My mum said I should put myself in Lekan's baby mama shoes and after some days. I think I understood her point. I explained to Lekan and after plenty of arguments he collected his ring. 

I was in my room, wallowing in pain and tears when my sister stormed inside shoving her phone in my face. I could see she was on gistlover's page as tears rolled down her eyes uncontrollably.  She screamed SEE, Ebun SEE. Mummy is a side chick. She snatched daddy from her friend 36 years ago. See daddy's first wife and two sons. 

I cleaned my eyes well to be sure I wasn't seeing double… in fact my mum was their best lady at their wedding. 

Wow……. 

Baddo 2

 I could hear my heartbeat so loudly, it almost felt like I was running a marathon or playing some hard sport. I suddenly started to sweat, Rotimi noticed my sudden uneasiness and asked if everything was cool with me. I quickly feigned tiredness and he joked about how I should remember my salary and get energized. We all laughed but deep down I was wailing, I couldn't afford to lose my Rotimi but salvaging the situation was beyond me. Certainly, my sister in law was going to let the cat out of the bag even though I had no clue as to when and where she would but all I wanted was the courage to pull Rotimi to a corner and tell him my truth before anybody does. 

Truthfully, I didn't think that would do much because if tables were turned I'd not be moved and I'll ask why he had to wait this long before revealing the truth. I summoned up the courage to bring out my phone and I decided to look up any of my lover’s family members, a sister, brother or cousin. Anyone I could speak with to help plead on my behalf because I had played out the scenario and I'm guessing he’ll block me on all platforms and his best friend wouldn't be able to do much because he’ll be paddling Rotimi’s boat.

All my web surfing brought little or no result and I was quite alarmed. I know Rotimi doesn't really speak about his family because he’s the only rebel that ditched his US citizenship to return to Nigeria but I remember he had one heated argument with his sister at some point in our relationship. I was hoping to find her on social media but I guess my FBI’s skills need some updating.

Finally the hangout was over and he drove us home. I rehearsed my speech over and over through the drive home but every time I opened my mouth to begin the conversation……. I lost my voice. I sent a text explaining the situation and once I was sure he had read it, I turned off my phone and cried my eyes out. Annoyingly, my husband was right beside me but he couldn't even tell I was crying because as usual he was on twitter, giggling and dropping his “hot takes”. The cow had no idea that he’s an inch away from getting divorced but what does he care anyways????

As expected, I walked into the sitting room to have a mini family meeting with my mother in law, sister in law and husband. I was unperturbed, in fact I had emailed an estate agent to get me a comfy home close to Rotimi’s, my intention was to ‘KANYE’ him. He’ll bulge eventually and forgive me. I had not heard from him since I sent the message but i’ll definitely call him once these ones are done with their castigation and whatever rubbish they intend to run me through this morning.

Shockingly, my mother in law faced her son and scolded the life out of him, at first I had thought I was dreaming. She reprimanded him for not being emotionally available to me and our son and made him promise to go on a vacation with us to spend quality time and like magic asked my husband to apologize to me and promise to turn a new leaf and he did, wholeheartedly but my heart already belonged to Rotimi and there was no going back. My mother in law also informed us that she had hired the services of a premium marriage counselor to help us reignite our love. I was impressed but this good girl had gone bad Ma’am

In all of this, I kept looking at my sister in law's face and she was smiling and apologizing for her brother’s nonchalant attitude towards us. After the long lecture my mother in law gave us, we thanked her and he had to prepare for work. Apparently, she didn't inform her son of my escapades with Rotimi. My mother in law now pulled me aside and begged me to end things with Rotimi. I  didn't want to make any promises but she made me promise to try. 

To lighten the mood, I told my sister in law to join me in the kitchen and she informed me that Rotimi’s bestie had always spoken highly of me and how my husband must have been a fool not to treat me right. She kept apologizing on her brother’s behalf and I mistakenly told her that it was too late and that my heart already yearned for Rotimi. She paused a bit, then she went to an instagram page and asked me if I could recognize who it was. I looked hard and thought she was about to break my heart and tell me Rotimi had a family somewhere on planet earth.

She laughed and said the female picture was Rotimi before he switched …………………..

And that was why his family disowned him.

Baddo

 Honestly, my instinct told me to stay in bed all day and watch cartoon with my son but as the “coconut headed Princess” that I am, I shook that thought away and still went ahead with my itinerary for the day. As always  my husband had gone out with the boys leaving me and my son to do whatever we pleased. Sometimes, I wondered what would have become of me if I didn’t have a child in this sham I call a marriage and to think that I was sliding in and out of depression during pregnancy. Who would have thought he’ll brighten up my entire existence?

Without a doubt, pregnancy is a very challenging time for every woman but it becomes worse when you have an unsupportive partner. I remember one time when I was vomiting and my husband did not even bother to help me clean up and when I asked, he told me to stop whining, I’m not the first pregnant woman on earth or should I talk about how he’ll go out all day and not bother to check up on me,even when he knew that I was vomiting quite frequently. Everytime I read about pregnant women stressing their husbands to get them various foods and junks. I laughed then cried because I couldn’t relate. Weirdly, my husband and I had a big fight before he agreed to take me regularly for my ante-natal. Saying I suffered was an understatement but you see God put a smile on my face by giving me a mind blowing job in a multiNational firm. 

The day I got a call from the head of HR, I cried very happy tears. This is because the man I married takes care of some of the home needs and NONE of my personal needs. For many months,  I hated myself for quitting my job and  relocating from Ibadan to Lagos all in the name of love. I remember my line manager asking me repeatedly if I was really sure I wanted to go down that route but I was blindly in love not knowing marriage would cure my blindness quickly. I told my husband I got the job and he laughed and said he was very sure it was scammers because those organisations only recruit very smart people. He had no idea that I had done a series of virtual interviews during-after pregnancy and that I had a God who never failed. 

We had a team hang-out in October at some fancy lounge and while I was trying to navigate my way to our table, a waiter spilled drinks on my very fancy outfit. I was about to bring out my Isale-Eko alter ego when a strikingly handsome man interrupted. We ended up at a nearest store where he bought me a new outfit. I felt love, wanted and happy. I couldn’t remember the last time anyone took me shopping, not even Tom Tom. He asked for my number at the end of the evening and I happily handed him over my phone. He became my regular buddy and soon he met my son. They bonded and we had regular chill-outs together. Infact I had even met some of his close friends and associates and started attending functions in matching Asoebis whilst I was still  very married to my husband. The thing is, I had stopped wearing my wedding ring for a bit, I didn’t feel the need to remind everyone that I’m living in bondage , or isn’t it bondage when your husband only smiles and laughs with you when he needs something but doesn’t care to make the chit-chat a regular habit.

Truth be told, I didn’t think my husband was seeing any other person but he just had a very terrible way at communicating and no matter how hard I tried he never understood my point of view but he regularly enjoyed himself with his friends whilst he left me home and dry, not even a movie night. Interestingly, Rotimi assumed I was a single mother and there’s no way I was going to change that assumption because I was enjoying his attention.

Crazily, Rotimi had picked us up in our home a few times and no I didn’t feel bad. If you don’t spend quality time with your family, somebody else will. My husband should even be grateful that I still respect our vows and have not turned on the sexual button in my new relationship.

We landed in Rotimi’s best friend's house and we were chastising him for his womanizing pedigree. He then whispered that we should change our topic as he has a new bAe in his room and he intends to make this permanent. Rotimi, Myself and even my son couldn’t wait to see the special one. We were very curious as to how she made our baddo fall in love with her. Finally, she made her appearance and she turned out to be my husband’s immediate sister……. Yes you read right… my very own sister in law and no I wasn’t ashamed, I was just too scared of losing Rotimi….

Wonders 2

 Kayanmata keh!!! No, I'm definitely dreaming. How can Bola….but  we used to call out those who patronise these people. How can she drive down this shady route and conceal this information from me??? I patiently typed kayanmata on her search button and alas I realised Bola was indeed skilled at sourcing for these people. She had bought several of their products and they regularly kept her posted when new products were available.

Isn’t it crazy that I was almost about to lose my mind because I never got tangible gifts from anyone. Whereas the Bola that was always rubbing it in my face was using dubious methods to extort men who fell into her trap. This life ehn but wait, Bola has always been blessed with good men even from our sophomore year in university or has she been using Kayanmata since then? What if she’s in a cult? 

Bola walked in and understood that I had seen something I wasn’t supposed to. I stared straight into her eye balls as I was itching for an explanation. I needed answers to why I wasn’t informed of her new experiment with diabolical items. She bursted into tears and gave a very vague explanation. I knew there was more, there had to be, something must have led to this crazy behaviour. I needed something concrete, a background story, something that must have pushed her into this route but all I understood from all her blabbings was nothing but pure greed.

Bola wanted a baby girl lifestyle without wanting to put in the work. Her eyes are fixed on owning a property in banana island before the new year and her only claim to a legitimitate income is my company that she funds heavily. The crazy thing is she’s always reinvesting her profits, that’s to show you how much this Kayanmata business is booming for her. I honestly thought I knew her, I could vouch for her, this girl was supposed to be my partner in everything. My life is just filled with shitty people. I can’t even boast of a good friend. 

I was honestly speechless at this point of our conversation, she suddenly looked different to me, I didn’t even know how to react, I was just lost, disappointed and ashamed. like how in the world did I miss this? How can I go on calling her bestie, when I really didn’t even know her. I even honestly want her to pull out of our business as her views and mine are clearly parallel lines. 

Well, I decided to pull my thoughts together and act cool. Afterall, wisdom is critical in dealing with difficult situations. So I smiled and acted like it’s fine. Bola then knelt down and dropped the biggest bombshell of the entire decade with tears flowing down her eyes. She mentioned that I sprayed a perfume of hers in 200 level and she’s quite certain that’s why men don’t buy me pricey gifts because I ought to have sprayed it with my left and not my right hand. 

Ayemio!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wonders

God bless whoever invented leave days, my whole body was already shutting down gradually from stress, that my overbearing boss has forgotten that some of us run other businesses and still need time to mingle so that we can exit the spinsterhood lifestyle.

The crazy thing is although I have a boyfriend, I’m honestly better off without one. For heaven's sake Paul has never made me a priority and like my blunt bestie would say, no one I have ever dated has made me feel like a Queen. On the other hand my Bola gets men to literally move the world for her.

At almost 30 years of age, no one has ever bought me flowers, talk more of a fancy restaurant. I remember when Paul made a whooping 20 million Naira profit and I asked him to invest just one million in my business, he bluntly refused. This is a business he knows would do exceedingly well with more funds but thank God for Bola in my life and my savings from my Job. I’ll just have been a pauper girlfriend to a rich boyfriend. Nollywood for use my story catch cruise.

I remember how overjoyed I was when Paul took me to what my blunt Bola describes as a two star restaurant to celebrate his 20 million profit from his real estate hustle. I was too glad that finally “my level don elevate from mama-put to fancy restaurant”. As usual Bola was so pissed when I told. In her words, she claims I’m too nice to the men I’m with and men don’t like nice women. They prefer the wicked ones, the ones they have to chase endlessly.

Undoubtedly, I know Paul is not the one I want to spend the rest of my life with because he’s too stingy. This is a guy I go out of my way to please almost all the time. Not even one pricey thing from him, the best I get on my birthday is cake and trust me I'd have been reminding him for two months. Sometimes I pay the delivery fees myself and it’s not like he gives me quality time. It’s high time I end this falsehood going on. It’s better to be hungry than to eat poisoned food.

Bola moved in with me to console me, she’s very happy I broke up with Paul but she knows I’ll still wail for weeks even though I know I did the right thing. More importantly, she’s here to monitor our business as she’s a partner in my company. Suddenly, she screamed my name Tumiiiiiiiiiiii!!!! I almost jumped into pouring hot boiling water on myself. She handed over the phone to me and alas my world came crashing.

I was quiet for the better part of the day and Bola did everything she could to get me out of my mood but my brain kept replaying what I had just seen. Paul bought his new girl an IPhone 13 pro max and the funny thing is he blocked me from his ig account. I’m honestly not mad that he has moved on so quickly. My pain is that I literally begged this man to fund my business when his real estate was still booming and he said No but he could cough out this much on a phone for his new girlfriend, while I got nothing tangible for the last 3 years. Wow…. Just wow….

This incident took me down memory lane and I realised I’m honestly not worth shit… no man I have been with has ever bought me anything worthy of the gram and I’m not one of those who depend on men for money, in fact I even do more of the spending and when they start winning in life, the first thing they change is me….

If Bola knew this was how I'd react, I’m sure she'd never have shown me. I cried non-stop for days, refused to eat, couldn’t sleep no matter how hard I tried. I felt other girls were made of diamond while I was a mixture of wood and granite. My days became dark and my heart filled with too many questions.

Bola’s boyfriend came visiting and after sitting in silence with me for about 120 minutes. He drove us to a psychiatrist. I was admitted and my journey to wholeness began. Talking to my psychiatrist was a chore, I didn’t even know what to say, I just wanted to be left alone and stare into space but with time I understood my environment and realised I had gradually devalued myself because the men in my life were ass holes. 

I got better and it was time to be discharged, thanks to quality health care and I decided to surprise my friend with my arrival. She has been my rock in this turbulent time I had just overcome. My psychiatrist obliged me and offered to drop me at my place as she was still there. 

Bola was still in her towel when I arrived, she was too pleased to see me smiling. I spotted some soap on her back, so she ran off to wash it. I entered my room, thanked God that depression was now a thing of the past in my life. I picked up Bola’s phone because I needed to call my phone to find it. 

Shockingly, a message from an unstored number telling her that the ‘Do as I say’ complete package is now available and that it’s no longer 200 000 but 300 000 but because she’s a long time customer she can pay 280 000. I couldn’t believe my eyes.. so my bestie patronises Kayanmater sellers!!!!! 

Wonders will never end!!!!!!.

Instagram handle @dr_temielsie

Egg Hatched 2

Two beautiful weeks had passed and the only explanation I got from my dad was that my biological mum abandoned me and ran off with another man, immediately I was born. The truth is for some crazy reason my brain just decided to shut my introduction memory out.  As far as I am concerned, a woman who was mean enough to abandon me does not exist and it honestly should stay that way. I don’t even want her at my wedding. I was only grateful to the woman who stood by me and nurtured me like her very own. 

Charles and I had lunch at some fancy place, the food was too good we had to order take-outs for evening and head over to his place. I noticed something about him was jittery but I couldn’t place my finger on it or were his parents asking him to pull out cos of the drama???? No, I doubt that, they won’t be so mean to me. It’s not my fault that I was born under such a circumstance. Let’s just get to his house first, I’ll ask. That woman had better not just show her face anywhere near me ever again else I’ld hire those rough looking boys to teach her a lesson she’ll never ever forget!!!

I was candy-crushing on my phone, when Charles and my biological mum showed up. I was about to start yelling, when Charles asked me to grant her an audience, he went on his knees and called me by all the sweet names in Africa, I had no choice but to oblige. My mother sat beside me and began to speak.........

It was barely ten minutes into her speech when tears began to roll down my eyes, I felt honestly sorry for her. She had been through hell and back all in the name of love. I couldn’t believe my father would have treated anyone so badly because of their social status. I couldn’t even believe grandma let that happen. She brought in evidence of mails she and her new husband sent to reach me as far back as when I was in secondary school. O goodness, I felt betrayed. I don’t even want to live under the same roof with that man ever again.

My mother was a maid and my father continually had sexual relations with her, his mum knew and turned a blind eye to it but she quickly enrolled her in school and treated her nicely. So nicely, that they didn’t have to hide their relationship. My mum became pregnant and all hell was let loose. My father became a monster and constantly tagged her ‘a gold digger’ his mum did nothing but turn a blind eyes to her son’s actions.

Under her very watch, my father got married to my step-mom and she became their house maid. She barely had money to take care of herself and had no one to rely on, she didn’t even have money to get on a bus back to her village to meet her uncles COs she was an orphan. One-night after another round of serious beating, she ran out of the house and was hit by a car. It took her three days to regain consciousness. The good samaritan who hit her was a doctor who could tell she just gave birth and had empathy on her. He called my father and informed him of the accident, all my dad did was cut the call and block his number.

After days of waiting, the doctor decided to drive my mum home and alas they met the shock of their destinies. The neighbours told them that my my father, his wife, her daughter and his mum have relocated out of the country. She wept her eyes sore, she tried reaching some of grandma’s friends and they didn’t even let her the chance to enter their compound. Depression kicked in and she had to be admitted in a mental home, the doctor stood by her and helped rehabilitate her, sent her to fashion school and married her.  They got an old colleague of my father who had his mail, they reached out to him severally  but he refused to respond. That same old colleague was the one, who got in contact with them and informed them I was getting introduced and they rushed in from Ibadan. She apologised for disrupting my event and begged me for a chance to be a part of my life. 

I was speechless, all three of us looked like we’ve just been robbed. There are truly two sides to a story. I cannot believe my step mum married another woman’s husband and was comfortable living under the same roof with her as a maid??? We women need to do better and my granny too, watched her son humiliate another being daily and just because she was a maid. She turned a blind eye. Wow just wow..... 

Well, I know the truth now and I’m walking straight to my dad, to tell him my mother would be walking me down the aisle on my wedding day and whatever madness anyone wants to pull, they should sure be ready to get a triple dose. First off, let me get an apartment to move into, ain’t no way I’m living under the same roof with those humans and moving in with Charles in not an option, he has to pay my bride-price before history repeats itself.

Egg Hatched

I settled nicely in the “dark corner” of my room. I was not feeling our regular Saturday bants, infact since I got back from the UK six months ago, I have been a lil weird. My parents have held a mini intervention for me, they think it’s work that is taking a toll on me. The truth is they are partially right, no one ever told me that being in the “Fortune 500” earning bracket meant working till you drop. The other day the COO confidently sent 10 whooping tasks to my mail at 9:45pm and he wanted them attended to by morning. I was raving mad but then I smiled gracefully, took it home and worked all night long COs I have mates who have my same foreign MBA qualification and are still roaming the streets of Lagos to get a decent pay. 

Church was fun, our pastor spoke about doing the work and activating our faith. He spoke directly to me, COs since I got back I have been expecting Charles to pop the question. I mean we been an item for 4 years, 2 months and 18 days. We deserve to get marry. I didn’t ignore all the men in Manchester only to be left hanging in Lagos. Anyways I’ll visit Bukky today, I’ll pour out my fears, I just hope he’s not cheating. No Charles won’t do that again! He cheated once when we first started seeing each other, he kissed one Susan girl, I’ll forever dislike( ok girl you need to let her off your mind) they kissed at a club. He confessed to me himself and promised to be loyal and I believe he has been faithful or did I make a mistake by turning down his proposal two years ago but if I had my father would definitely not have sent me to the UK for my MBA, even my mum supported me wholeheartedly saying that my MBA would boost my earning power and it did. Something is just not right but I’ll land In Bukky’s house, narrate my story with the hope that she’ll tell her boyfriend Tej who’s Charles bestie. I’m a thousand percent sure Charles would be informed of my fears and I’ll watch his reaction. I turned on my ignition and voom I went.....

Charles was raving upset that I could talk to a third party, instead of coming straight to him. I was too happy my egg hatched... I apologised and he reminded me that he was only following my script. I think I must have mentioned it somewhere that I wanted to wait one year after I returned before our introduction. I must have been high on weed. Anyhu bae and his family came to my house and we picked an introduction date. My heart was racing with joy but somehow I still had doubts. My bestie concluded too many Yoruba films have messed with my brains.

The celebration began, my friends were dressed elegantly and already peppering every one. Charles and his friends came to flaunt their swags in HD. The turn-out was so massive it felt like a wedding reception. We were taking family pictures, when suddenly a woman elegantly dressed pulled our photographer away and yelled What is going on here? I was scared, very scared I looked at Charles for an explanation but he looked clueless. The woman then pulled my father out and was almost slapping him but for the timely intervention of my uncle. She hurled insults at him and then faced me and said Tomilola, I’m your mother and this cannot hold except I give my blessings. I became dizzy immediately, I saw Charles and my friends try to save me from hitting the ground.

Ethics kwa?

Imagine the freaking hypocrisy? Can Nigerians just pause for a bit and deep think this bbnaija ish, before they start throwing jabs. You’ll  realise it’s a reflection of our society but “mbanu” we have to play holier than thou because we are afraid to admit we too, kiss on our first date. Even my friend Tobiloba who’s currently shagging her friends father is forming moral compass on her whatsapp status. Let me just drop this phone before I cast her this evening.

Eno sef dey call person “opportunist”(laughs) this must be a joke. E-n-o same Eno that you must reward either financially or service wise if she runs a favour. Let me drop this phone abeg, I’m not about to subscribe to this bi-polar shenanigans my people are pulling on WhatsApp. This Bola wey make  life difficult for me all through last year sef dey form say person get bad character... weh done sir! Go and audition next year, let’s see if you’ll survive one week without twitter dragging your parents for not raising you well.

My mother’s  text interrupts my surfing bliss and of course... oh wait! It’s not her usual bants about getting a second degree. OMG! My cousin intro! Wawu! Daisy is getting married. Wow! I’m so glad, at least her parents can let her breathe in peace now. Chai! Daisy has suffered in their hands. Imagine being the first girl of 4 and all your younger siblings have kids in their husbands home. While you’re there just rocking your single life in torments. Aunty don *God when* taya for my ear. Let me go and pick out a statement dress for this beautiful occasion, destiny may find me there. Hmmm I think I’m happy with bae abeg. Our craze blend! But Daisy nor try sha, she did not even deem it fit to call me and gist me about our in-law and na me be her *consoler general* o. She see man na, she ex my side. I go call am..........

I couldn’t stop thinking about my conversation with Daisy and of-course my heart beat. He’s probably right, she’s hiding something. That’s the only reason she has been keeping her distance and forming busy. Abi is she pregnant? Ehn even if she is, I’ll not condemn her, even Jesus condemns no one. I just hope this her husband is not one of those shady men. It’ll be horrible for her to have waited for this long, only to end up with the wrong one. God forbid her experience pain in marriage after all that emotional abuse she had to endure at her parents all because she had no suitor. Nigerian Parents ehn! God will help them and this marriage matter. I think what strikes me most is that, some of these parents, especially mothers are freaking unhappy in their homes and if they could reverse the hands of time, they would have focused on their careers and married men who they wanted but yet they keep forcing marriage on women as if it’s some sort of reward for living. Sigh biko let me go n prepare for my onboarding task tomorrow before my boss would ask me to fire myself.

My mother almost made me bring bae, just in a bid to tell the world that her daughter is quarter to marry, I nor gree. First, even though bae and I are great, he has not popped the question yet. I cannot start forming wife, when I’m just a girl friend. I might even meet an eligible bachelor ready to commit, I wouldn’t want to ruin my chances... mbanu. Bae was even ranting on why he should come with us, I just hushed him up with the *Alaye jor jor* slang. He should use his common sense to know, that to attend family functions with me, I gotta see a shinny studded sliver circle on the appropriate finger.

Fred!!! Wait! Fred is Daisy’s man!!!! Tufiakwa! I was so uneasy all through the ceremony. I couldn’t wait for it to end. Men are wicked????? Ha! How can he even be so cruel? Bae has almost killed my phone with calls and messages reminding me about the ethics of my profession. Ethics kwa? He has asked me to remain calm and be diplomatic in my approach. But abeg na my family she be, I don’t freaking care, if CIPM like make dem collect my certificate. This wedding will not hold and I’ll bring out hard core evidence. How can be HIV positive and he’ll want to marry my cousin. O lord, I just hope they’ve not been making out. If only her parents were more lenient, she would have taken her time to study the bastard.

I went straight to my cousin, Fred was trying to form familiarity but trust me, my eye balls gave him all the response he needed. He’s HIV positive Daisy, I have his files, you cannot marry him. Ill bring you evidence, I’ll print his medical report on Monday and....... she cut me short and whispered into my ears. It’s a contract marriage! Don’t fret! I just need this people off my back and even  if I get infected, I honestly don’t care. I’ll use their anti-retro viral drugs to control it. All I want is to be married at-least,  so my own immediate family can accept me. Tears roll down her eyes.

Yoga gone wrong....

Should I just cancel my other sessions and stick to yoga? Naaaaa....my overly smart husband would start to sniff and woe betides me if he ever finds out, he’ll probably strangle me and have his father’s boys dump my body somewhere far away from civilisation.


Gbadebo and I have been married for nine years, it was my dream to be his Mrs. but never did I know I’ll one day think of opting out. I can’t work, can’t go out without my aids, can’t use a public gym, must wear only designer labels, no privacy as all my social media accounts are subjected to constant checks by the head of security and my husband- even Whatsapp!







Marrying into a rich and powerful family sure has more negatives than positives. The world only admires the material things and prestige they presume you enjoy, they have no clue about the pain, neglect and fear you are constantly subjected to.

My father-in-law is a very wealthy man, his name opens almost all doors beyond the shores of this country, his net worth would take Africa away from penury forever. Interestingly, he’s not a politician, has never been one and to the best of my knowledge he’s not aspiring to be one but every politician who aspires to be great calls him ‘The god father’.



I have made up my mind to relieve my boredom with my yoga instructor John, infact I opened a secret email where all our chats flow through, he’s the sweetest being on earth and he makes my heart leap for joy, I can’t wait to explore my sexual fantasies with him but the security at my house would not let me be great and hey! you’re not allowed to judge me cos you commit a different sin than I do. Remove the log in your eyes first, while I map out a plan.



YASSSS!!!! My husband fell for it, called him up to explain that my friends, Tosin and Dolly P planned a getaway, he allowed me to attend and even offered to pay for our girls trip after all he won’t be back from his trip till much later in the month. I called my crazy Dolly P whose expensive lifestyle is furnished by her baby daddy and intimated her of my plans. She almost had a seizure.



The plan was pretty simple, I was going to stage a rape incident, John and his friend would come into my room, John would have me and his friend would have Dolly P, so my husband doesn’t suspect anything, Tosin on the other hand is going through a tough time in her marriage, she’s been officially tagged barren as her husband mistress just bore him a child. So I’m sure she’ll just remain in her room and monitor sales in her shop, while myself and the crazy Dolly P gossip and tour away.



John walked and his friend walked into my room, while Tosin was pouring out her heart to me, I was trying to signal John to stop his friend from having Tosin, it did not occur to me to send him Dolly P’s picture, now I’m going to have to live with this guilt for the rest of my life.The sharpest pain I have ever felt engulfed my body, I screamed like I was about to be butchered, John and his friend fled the scene but not before finishing the act. I couldn’t move, I laid there lifeless, for a second I thought that was the end. I rolled over to the other side of my bed, Tosin was slowly dragging herself to help me up, Dolly P walked in and hurriedly rushes to help me up, They both suddenly paused and stared at the bed sheet with shock written all over their faces.



I turned to see what could be so strange, did John leave his ID card or drop a flower? Alas! it dawned on me that I had omitted the most important thing in executing my silly plan... how do I explain to my friends that I had just 
lost my virginity even though I had been married for nine years and have two children who call me mummy?



Credit:
All Images: from Google
Instagram handle : @temielsie

EXCUSASHIONSHIP

Girls are truly no longer smiling, a friend of mine just opened the biggest furniture, fashion and food outlet in Lekki and Ikeja axis of Lagos, I was totally stunned  at the combination, the team and I had to sharply change her name to triple threat with a bang (TTB) and this my girl still has a 9-5 ‘fortune 500’ job. I really need to start selling something or doing something extra. I need to make extra cash, this my salary cannot fund my travelling around the world fantasies but my head has never brought up any idea that can fetch money, I guess I’m only good at my job and of course thinking about one man, whose alter ego is in love with me.

I have been in love with Tola since forever, he’s been my back and forth lover, the truth is I am even scared to call him that in public before he tells me he has never asked me out or something worse. I doubt I can survive if he embarrasses me but who am I deceiving, I’m just his occasional lover, he’ll probably run off with some ‘over-woke girl’ when he’s ready to walk down the aisle and give me a sub story, that’s if he even considers me worthy enough for an explanation but he’s not a total ‘kill joy’, he has his seasons though my friends think he looks at me with ‘tender eyes….’ I have never interpreted his stares that way, all I see is a man who hiding under his alter ego to give me false hope of a forever that may never see the sun kiss the earth.

Shade was super tired of hearing me say anything about Tola, she thinks I should talk to him about it, in her words it’s better to know where you stand, it’s a the first step to moving on and giving better men a chance to blow your mind but bikonu (please) how do you twenty-first century children ask men out???????????????? I tried, I really t-r—i—e—d, the words were not just coming out, this was two years ago and for some crazy reason I feel I should try it now, its 2-0-1-8 and let’s just say social media has helped make me a ‘passive wokee’. I told Shade I was going to see him and she didn’t even let me finish before she yelled ‘‘I think Tola is either secretly married or has a girlfriend’ no one ignores a semi good girl like you for this long, leave him alone aah’’. I laughed and then tears rolled down my eyes it was a quick slide from happy to sad, she hugged me and for the first time I saw how sorry she was for my ‘love life’ that’s if what I have qualifies to bare that title.

I sincerely love T-o-l-a and he has told me severally ‘he likes me a lot too’. I know he’s busy with work and career advancement, that’s why he doesn’t call and check-up as often as……………….. here I go again making excuses for him, that’s one thing I have perfected over the years, Shade once called what I share with Tola an ‘excusashionship’. I brought out the ring I bought to propose to Tola and Shade almost passed out.  She begged me not to do it in public so if he declines, I don’t get the embarrassment of my destiny! We hugged, she started to cry too and she made me promise I wouldn’t do anything stupid, if he turned me down.

I got the best face beat of my life and was about to slide into my car and drive when Shade chased me into the cab she already ordered, I was a hundred percent sure she thought he’ll decline but I was somehow excited and hopeful. I landed in Tola’s house and the shock on his face could give an African parent a heart attack, he was watching the latest season of ‘How to get away with murder’ fortunately I hadn’t seen it so we snacked and watched, one of his friends came to spoil the moment by visiting and to my greatest surprise, Tola asked me to come say hi to him in the sitting room, I was feeling like a wife already, I landed back on his bed and let the guys continue their talk but instead of watching the series, I decided to read his messages, some were from random girls seeking his attention, he wasn’t giving them any green light but was sure leading them on but nothing major and somehow I decided to read mother’s conversation and to my greatest surprise she asked him if he had used his anti-retroviral drug!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I started to run temperature, vomit and stool all at once, I cast my mind to the conversation I heard on radio, the presenter actually said Nigeria has the largest number of HIV positive humans In the world and I basically laughed it off, wait when was he going to tell me?  At this point the series was doing the watching, I couldn’t wait to run away from this devil in human flesh, maybe that’s why he was hesitant, first I need to take a test just to be double sure.

Tola came in, he wanted to feed me from his cup, I faked a sneeze and while I closed my eyes to cough heartily, he had knelt down and asked me the question I had been waiting for all my life……I stared into his eyes and wondered, what crime my ancestors had committed for this demon in human form to want to destroy me but something in me still felt like hugging him and saying YES!!!!!! 

Images: Google
Instagram handle @temielsie